The 24/7 media of bygone days

"An arrest in the Boston Marathon bombing has been made."

- CNN, et al., before any arrest

By Steve Young

With technology continuing to ramp up our ability to transmit news at breakneck speed, along with the public's insatiable need to know something ASAP, the media have been painfully susceptible to rapid-fire misfiring in the race for "breaking news" and ratings. Makes one wonder what might have been if today's media had been around a few years earlier.

Jonestown More of a Picnic Than a Punishment, CNN, Nov. 18, 1978 - John King reports that, according to a source close to the situation, "the Peoples Temple group in Guyana, thought to be a treacherous cult, has been proven to be just a well-meaning paradise, as leader Jim Jones has just distributed what I'm told is delicious, specially-prepared, grape-flavored Kool-Aid."

Emancipation Proclamation, The Blaze, Jan. 1, 1863 - Glenn Beck reports, according to a well-placed source just outside his plantation, that "President Lincoln has allowed tens of thousands of Negroes to escape rightful ownership." Beck added, "There is no doubt that Lincoln, a known progressive, has a deep-seated hatred for white people and should be impeached. My sources also tell me that the Negroes' release was a preemptive strike to give these potential Democrat voters an undeserved freedom distribution leading to the election of a Negro president sometime in 2008."

Scientists Brag of Gravity, But Picture Proves it to be Junk Science, New York Post, April 15, 1726 - Front page: "Brag Men," with an apple pictured, seemingly suspended between a tree branch and Sir Isaac Newton - seated beneath the tree - unable to reach ground." Page 3: Crank scientist Sir Isaac Newton, with his studies paid for by the lame-stream gravity complex, told this reporter that, "By deriving Kepler's laws of planetary motion from my mathematical description of gravity, I have removed the last doubts about the validity of the heliocentric model of the cosmos." Yeah, right. Editor's Note: Pictures don't lie.

Mary Todd Suspect in Husband's Assassination, Associated Press, April 15, 1865 - Moments ago, President Lincoln has either been stabbed or shot at Ford's Theater in Washington, and is in critical condition. Ticket registers and hastily drawn illustrations show the president's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, to be the person closest to Lincoln just prior to the attack. According to an unidentified, but reliable, source, the first lady is being held for questioning.

Washington Cancels Crossing, Fox News, Dec. 25, 1776 - According to sources close to the situation, gale-force winds, torrential downpours, and treacherous seas will keep colonial Gen. George Washington from crossing the Delaware River in an attempt to surprise the Hessians camped out in Trenton.

Who Fingered Jesus?, MSNBC, Feb. 30, 0031 - According to a highly placed source in the Roman Empire, Lawrence O'Donnell reports, "Soldiers have pulled in 12 suspects for questioning in the alleged betrayal of Mr. Jesus of Nazareth. Suspects include a dark-skinned Jerusalem national, who, I'm told, is being sent to Palestine by Pontius Pilate in hopes of improving relationships with the ever-peaceful neighbor."