Welcome to Glanville, U.S.A.

This article was originally published in The Philadelphia Inquirer on Sept. 22, 1990.

What kind of car you drive? Ever been on a Harley? Get those wingtip shoes out of my face. Never sleep on the ground of a truck stop, always on the picnic table otherwise the cold comes out of the ground, right through your sleeping bag. You can’t make a putty-putt into a trained killer. If you’re drowning, just take a big gulp and go under. Don’t waste your time coming up twice to say goodbye. Goodbye to what? Take chances. Throw long. Hit hard. Take that dinky-dinky-do offense and put it in the closet with those IBM wingtips. Fight negativism, partner. Drive American cars. If you ain’t sleeping in Atlanta, you’re just camping out. Had a tight end once who only would hit people when they didn’t see him coming. If they saw him coming, he’d be afraid to hit 'em. My son didn’t want me to cut him because he used to bring a big old snake to practice every Saturday. I told him I’d cut the tight end and keep the snake. Guy went on to play for five or six teams in five or six days. Probably selling onion rings somewhere right now. Can’t understand why a general manager would draft a guy like that. Can’t change a putty-putt into a trained killer. Criticism? I’ve been criticized? I promise you I wasn’t aware of that. If my former team wants to criticize me, they’re gonna have to stand in line. They’re gonna have to go to the end of the line. People always look for someone to criticize when things don’t go perfectly. I stand up and take the blame. I don’t criticize coaches who came before me. That’s cowardly. I want to be the first columnist in Atlanta to call for my dismissal. Really. I’m the man who leads America in making mistakes, and people seem willing to keep giving me another chance. Sundays we’ll be on our worst behavior. That’s a promise. I’d rather have people hit after the whistle, than stop hitting before the whistle blows. I think I’ll do some drag racing my weekend off. Maybe ride my Harley, too. How would they like it if I rode my hog up to Philadelphia? But I will not watch an NFL football game my weekend off. The last time I sent someone a black rose it got turned into a death threat. That’s no death threat. A horse head in your bed is a death threat. A true leader is a guy that fights a negative thought from a teammate. I call it anti-negativism. What you have to do is tell them you like something and then convince them why you want them to do it and why it is good. I don’t see any dissenters here in Atlanta; that’s the fun of being here. I haven’t changed since 1964. I’m not saying that’s right. But, I think, that’s me. The worst thing you can do is to be what somebody else wants you to be. Someone asked me once if I’d ever change. You can’t get a 48-year-old guy to change. We are a collection of all our experiences and you can’t have a fabricated experience. That’s you. That’s what you are and that’s the way you do it, partner. They make you wear ties like that up in Philadelphia? What kind of car you drive? We don’t talk to people who drive foreign cars. Having a team with no negativism is unusual in the 1990s. In 1990, if I decide to go downtown and give out 50 free lunches, 12 people wouldn’t like the lunch; they’d complain - they didn’t like the cranberry with the turkey. My players will never quit. Canadians aren’t very friendly. I tried to check into a hotel in Quebec once wearing bib overalls and no shirt and they wouldn’t let me in the lobby even though I had a reservation. We have rules for everybody. For instance, if you’re our highest-paid athlete and there is no parking back here, it doesn’t matter if you’re a free agent or the highest-paid guy, doesn’t matter if you’re one of our better players - if you park back here, we tow your car away. We fine you. I’ve worked places where they said, you can’t treat this guy that way, he’s our star. I treat everybody the same. Who cares if he wears dreadlocks? Who cares? If he wants to wear hair off a horse’s butt, that’s his business. That’s not discipline. But if he misses a block or doesn’t know his assignment, then you kick his butt. I believe in preparation. This is what we do and if you don’t like it, go out and get someone who you like better. Who do you consider a great coach? Tough question, isn’t it? You can’t coach like anyone else. I’d like to take him to the Kentucky Derby and bring him into the stalls and make him smell all the horse manure. I hate people who are too afraid to get out and look at things. Call back after you’ve ridden a Harley. I don’t do one-on-one interviews. Every time I do, they misinterpret what I say. Jack Pardee is a total jerk. Boo you in San Francisco? No way. Those fans would never be able to stand as one and boo. They’re too busy talking about yachting or too busy noticing who’s wearing socks and who ain’t. Dinky-dinky- do, that’s the 49ers. Young lady, you’re moving to San Francisco? Who you living with? By yourself? Good. You don’t want to live with anybody out there. Tommy Nobis a great middle linebacker, the first guy to wear the black jersey for the Atlanta Falcons. We need to bring him back and let him give out one more smack in the face. You’re not allowed to hit quarterbacks in the head because they make too much money and make commercials. They gotta look good. There’s only one guy in the world I can control and that’s me - but not all the time. You’re from Marietta? I used to live out there. Since you got the interstate out there, you’ve gotten sophisticated. You’re wearing shoes out there now. We want to knock you down and spank your rump. I wish you were here, we’d beat you up and hang you. People in Philadelphia love me. The last time we played there, they threw hoagies at me when I walked off the field. Never seen so many sandwiches in my life. I was picking through them, looking for one with mustard, was gonna eat it. Yeah, they like me up there. Next game is always the most important. Practice is just as important as a game. You quit in practice, you quit in a game. I don’t want to know how much anyone’s making. We are all vastly overpaid. Everybody on the team makes too much money. Especially me. I’m so overpaid I have a leg up on everybody. We’re gonna get our butts kicked. Somebody is gonna thump us. What’s important is you gotta get up and play the next play, the next game. Living on the edge? That’s the way I live. No other way to do it. There is no down. There is no distance. Who cares if it’s fourth down? If you’re going for it, you’re going for it.

These gems of universal wisdom were uttered by Jerry Glanville over a three-day period, most of them in interviews with a Necktie from The Inquirer, a few others on radio, television, in his Atlanta Journal column, and on the practice field.