Think before you decide to ‘parent-shame’

A toddler fell nearly 15 feet into the gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo, and it seems we're all looking for someone or something to blame.

I guess that's only natural.  If we can't find fault in this situation, then we have to accept the fact that accidents happen. One second our children can be safe by our side having fun at the zoo, and the next in grave danger.

Very scary.

So scary, that placing blame is the only way many of us can cope with the uncertainty of caring for a child. In this case, there are two good targets for our outrage and judgement: the zoo for having a barrier an energetic 3-year old can overcome in no time flat, and the parents for not supervising their child closely enough.

While we haven't heard much from the parents, except a public statement thanking the Cincinnati Zoo for their "actions taken to protect the child,"  we have heard from zoo officials repeatedly saying that, "Gorilla World is inspected regularly by the Association of Zoos & Aquariums and adheres to safety guidelines."

"The barrier that we have in place has been effective for 38 years," states Zoo Director Thane Maynard. Unless the 3-year-old is a decendent of Superman, I think the zoo may have been very very lucky for 38 years.

What about the little boy and his parents?  How are they coping with the horrifying trauma of helplessly watching their son being handled by an agitated 450-pound dominate male gorilla and the resulting gunfire that killed him?  And it is extremely likely the little boy will carry lifelong effects from the incident.

While there has been an outpouring of grief for Harambe, there seems to be no limit of vitriol and hatred aimed at the parents for their alleged negligence.

For example, NPR's listeners made these comments after hearing the story.

"Caused by an irresponsible mom who was too cowardly to jump in after the kid."

"If a parent is unwilling to watch over their child at all times, especially in a place that keeps wild animals, then that person should not have the child in the first place."

There is even a Change.org online petition stating, "We the undersigned actively encourage an investigation of the child's home environment in the interests of protecting the child and his siblings from further incidents of parental negligence that may result in serious bodily harm or even death." When I last checked, over 500,000 people throughout the world had signed on.

The Cincinnati police department and Hamilton County Prosecutor's Office have decided not to press formal charges. "Our information is that the mother turned away for a few seconds to attend to another one of her young children and that is when the 3-year-old was able to climb into the gorilla enclosure…I am very sorry about the loss of this gorilla, but nothing about this situation rises to the level of a criminal charge," said Joseph T. Deters, the head of prosecutor's office there in a statement yesterday.

Even if the Cincinnati parents won't be tried in a "real" court, they're clearly being tried in the court of public opinion, and we're all on that jury. Actually, it's a place most of us have been before - judging the behavior of parents. It's so common and so pervasive now with the help of social media, there's even a name for it –"parent shaming."

Pretty devastating for the parents in Cincinnati, and for all parents. It's so easy to place blame. It makes us feel superior. It may even make us feel like better parents. Sure, we've all made mistakes, but never anything that bad.

Don't be so sure. All it takes is one curious kid and one split second looking elsewhere.

So next time, instead of condemning a parent for what you think is bad parenting, why don't you commend a parent for doing something right?  I almost wish I had stickers I could give out to parents caught doing something good. I guarantee if your goal is better parenting, this approach will have far better results.

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