Bill Conlin: Phillies spring training: Just a day at the beach

CLEARWATER, Fla. - This is no county for young men. At least not between the approximately 325 days that separate the sad April day when the Phillies break camp and the usually chilly morning when it all begins again, when pitchers and catchers report.

For the magical ritual of spring training - loved by fans, but mostly tolerated and often despised by the athletes - youth will be served to kids from 3 to 93. A record Red Sea is about to engulf an organ-shaped peninsula that sags like a half-collapsed lung with the Gulf of Mexico to the west and south and Tampa Bay to the east.

For most of the Western world, tomorrow will be Saint Valentine's Day. In Pinellas County, however, it will be a rare "ahem" day for the baseball team that has trained here since 1947, a 62-year run in one of the pastime's best B-and-B towns.

Ahem . . . It's the reigning World Series champion Philadelphia Phillies, to you, thanks. In 2008, the Mummers were not the only ones who strutted down Broad Street. The ballclub was followed from Center City to Citizens Bank Park and Lincoln Financial Field by about 2 million cakewalking friends.

B-and-B, by the way, does not refer to bed and breakfast. We're talking baseball and beach here. The baseball portion of your perfect day is practiced and played at glorious little Bright House Field and the adjacent minor league complex that bears the names of former owner Bob Carpenter and the general manager who designed it, Paul Owens. Radiating from a central clubhouse and executive offices like points of the compass are four full-sized fields named for Hall of Famers Rich Ashburn, Robin Roberts, Steve Carlton and Mike Schmidt. To the right of the main building are practice mounds and covered batting cages where players may get in their licks on rainy days. To the left are more cages, usually used for bunting practice. Much of the workout action will be at the Complex until the exhibitions begin early next month. This is your best shot at seeing the athletes at close range. Some claim the drills are boring and repetitive, but - hello! - that's the idea. Watch how hard Ryan Howard works, the intensity Jimmy Rollins puts into practice, the way the pitchers bear down during the time-honored coverage and pickoff drills, and you'll have a better feel for what it takes to become a major leaguer.

Once the exhibitions begin, the top ticket is $30 down to a kick in the outfield berm grass that will set you back just $11. These have been tough tickets since the Bright House opened in 2004, and this year scoring a seat, particularly for the Yankees on March 23 and 26, will be an expensive achievement.

But now, it's 1 o'clock. You've had your fill of practice, practice, practice . . . Or it's 4 o'clock after an exhibition and traffic is starting to inch along U.S.-19 up an embankment behind the outfield walls. It is the spinal column of Pinellas County, a Schuylkill Expressway that runs the 38-mile length of the most densely populated county in Florida, close to a million people shoehorned into 280 square miles. That's 3,339 people per square mile and there will be times during your visit when it will seem that all 3,339 have conspired to make your journey from the ballpark to the beach as unpleasant as possible. You will catch on almost immediately that the traffic lights at all major intersections of a county where 28 incorporated towns are arrayed back to back and belly to belly were designed by the Marquis de Sade. Hit one for the full cycle when all you want to do is continue in a straight line is water torture, plain and simple. On the other hand, gridlock is rare. Pinellas County merely serves it in 3-minute doses at notorious checkpoints like Keene/Starkey and Ulmerton, Gulf-to-Bay and Belcher, East Bay and Alt 19, Drew and Myrtle.

Bottom line: Traffic is amazingly uniform through the 38-mile length and 15-mile maximum width of the county - uniformly slow but moving. Become used to driving at a relaxing 30 mph with frequent 3-minute pit stops.

I interrupt this gloomy traffic report with really good news. In my 42 years of spring-training attendance - the last 23 as a Pinellas County taxpayer - I can't recall driving from the Route 688 bridge north on Gulf Boulevard, over the Clearwater Pass bridge (formerly an annoying drawbridge) through Clearwater Beach and over the Memorial Causeway and downtown Clearwater to the ballpark without hitting a construction zone. Yesterday it happened. And that includes the years before 2004 when the Phillies' home was Jack Russell Stadium, just off a downtown that is now an Eastern headquarters for the Church of Scientology. On a clear day, you might see Tom Cruise. Oops, that's just Darren Daulton, renowned local Cometologist, jogging.

But yesterday afternoon around 1 o'clock, the missus and I navigated from Gulfview and Mandalay to Old Coachman and the Bright House in 17 minutes without a single traffic cone, lane change ahead, one lane only or flagman ahead. Lots of luck with the parking, but the Municipal Beach that has been rated No. 1 in America by Dr. Beach is finally renovated.

Ignore the mapage between the ballpark and Clearwater Beach. It is a Gertrude Stein void of no there, there.

Now, you're at the beach. Let's eat. The Island Way Grill is just off Memorial Causeway on Island Estates, .8 miles from the Gulf. If you have one splurge in you, make a res for their Sunday-morning champagne brunch, the best $21.95 you will ever spend for an amazing variety of food. I never make it past the raw bar. Heilman's Beachcomber is no longer home dining base for the Phillies. The days of a GM challenging a former Ivy League sprint star to a 60-yard dash down the street behind the restaurant - and smoking him - are long gone. But the dining experience endures. The Comber was voted top restaurant in the county so many times, one bestower merely created a Hall of Fame listing for the place.

For grouperburger and beer fans, there are four Frenchy's. The original hosts a media-organized Sammyfest each March in honor of former Phillies star Juan Samuel. I personally try to avoid Clearwater Beach during spring training and spring break, but you're on vacation, so go for it. The soused collegian who hurls on your bumper could be your son.

You want beach, about 20 miles of it, Sand Key starts on the other side of the Clearwater Pass Bridge and doesn't stop until John's Pass. Every street has beach access with limited parking and showers. And the spine that connects eight beach towns is Gulf Boulevard, Gulf to the right, Intercoastal to the left and one neat restaurant after another, including ones I've touted before.

Here are a few of the best of the best from north to south, from the Sand Key section of Clearwater Beach and Indian Rocks Beach to Madeira Beach:

Columbia (famed 1905 salad, deck dining), Backwaters (seafood, deck dining), Al and Stellas (tiny family Italian, makes own pasta), Guppy's (Caribbean nouvelle), Keegan's (featured on Food Network's "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives"), Kooky Koconuts (Don't ask, just try the county's best Cuban), P.J.'s Oyster Bar (Ignore the long line, this is big-time flow control), La Cachette (Charlie Manuel eats at this tiny gem of classic French cuisine), Crabby Bill's (communal seafood dining), Villa Gallace (If Luigi doesn't walk you to your car, the next gnocchi's on me), The Pub (Almost as many boat slips as deck tables), Conch Republic (Key West themed menu), Friendly Fisherman (In John's Pass Peddler's Village, all seafood caught by their own party boats).

Bonus pick: All these years, I've ignored Dunedin, which is just 2 miles north of Clearwater. Main Street is a charming pedestrian mall that features several outstanding restaurants, including Zagat's top-rated Tampa Bay Area Black Pearl.

Now, go forth and practice B-and-B - baseball and beach - during the best time of the season. Just try to avoid a third B that can go hand in hand with the first two:

Broke. *

Send e-mail to bill1chair@aol.com. For recent columns, go to http://go.philly.com/conlin.