Philly teams raising a stink

LADIES AND gentlemen of the class of 2015:

Welcome to hell, you snot-nosed goobers. Look around you. Drink it in. And get used to it. Because this, right here, is life as a Philadelphia sports fan. You want somebody to powder your little Snapchatting, Kardashian-watching, non-value-judging rear ends with uplifting tales of hope and positivity? There's the exit. Move somewhere else. Otherwise, listen up.

For over a decade, we had to keep our anger and cynicism under wraps while you little turds got to enjoy one of the greatest eras in Philadelphia sports history. Thirty-two playoff berths. Thirteen league or conference finals. A Super Bowl, an NBA Finals, a Stanley Cup finals, and two World Series. A parade. All in a span of 12 years. You watched the greatest quarterback, safety, first baseman, second baseman, shortstop and shooting guard in city history play their respective positions. You never watched Rich Kotite coach a football game.

Yeah, I suppose it was fun for us, too. But so were our honeymoons. Life isn't supposed to be fun. It is supposed to be endured. Like marriage.

The thing you'll learn is that anybody can root for a winner. The Yankees, the Patriots, the Lakers - what kind of character does it take to support those kinds of teams? Want to know what takes character? Sitting through a Dustin McGowan start in 40-degree weather while watching a lineup that might have a chance to to be middle-of-the-pack in the International League. Did you know that the eight starters in the Phillies lineup yesterday combined to hit .272/.330/.389 with 31 home runs in 2,011 plate appearances last season . . . in the minors? You know what I call that? Childhood.

Did you ding-dongs really think it would always be like this? That it always was like this? That your parents got that bitter on their own? Well, we'll see how you feel after you live through 1972. Because this is it: a 1972 to call your own.

I remember my first 1972. It was 1994. The Flyers were failing to make the playoffs for the fifth consecutive season. The 76ers were finishing 25-57 and using sixth pick in the draft on Sharone Wright and realizing that they might have made a mistake the previous June they used the No. 2 pick on Shawn Bradley instead of Penny Hardaway or Jamal Mashburn or Vin Baker or, hell, anybody (but at least they made up for it by taking Wright at No. 6!). The Phillies were going on strike (with a 54-61 record). And the Eagles . . . whoo, boy, the Eagles. In Week 5 they went into San Francisco and beat the 49ers by 32 points, the highlight of a 7-2 start. The Eagles finished the season by losing seven straight games. The 49ers finished it by winning the Super Bowl.

See, here's one thing to know about your new life as a jaded Philadelphian. It isn't enough for your teams just to lose. No, they must lose with maximum irony. It is not enough to miss the playoffs. They must miss the playoffs after holding a 6 1/2-game lead with 12 to play. It is not enough to be destroyed by Greg Maddux and Al Leiter. They must also sign each player's lesser talented brother. It is not enough to be bad. They must be especially bad, the kind of bad you spoiled brats now get to watch on a nightly basis.

Sure, it's probably premature to label 2015 the worst year in Philadelphia sports since 1972. But of the 48 calendar years that Philadelphia has had the current four pro sports teams, 2015 will be only the fourth to not host a playoff game (the NFL playoffs do not begin until January 2016, and the Phillies have a better chance of developing the proof to the Riemann hypothesis during a rain delay). The other three: 1972, 1992 and 1994. Combine the winning percentages of each of the four major teams for each of the 48 years (scaled to the same number of games) and 1972 checks in at .330 (Phillies: 59-97, Flyers: 26-38-14, Sixers: 30-52, Eagles: 2-11-1). That's followed by 1973 (.369), 1970 (.394), and 1998 (.402). If the Eagles finish at 10-6, 2015 will finish at .416, just behind 1998 (.402) and just ahead of 1994 at (.422). 1998 is not in the discussion for worst year ever because the Flyers went to the playoffs.

We're No. 5!

In closing, dear ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2015, I would like to offer one piece of advice. Embrace it. Embrace the Suck. Host a draft lottery party. Root for Nick Foles to win a Super Bowl. Lobby for a five-year extension for Aaron Harang. Hold your heads high and these words dear, for today, you can finally call yourselves true Philadelphians.

Oh, and wear sunscreen.

On Twitter: @ByDavidMurphy

Blog: ph.ly/HighCheese