In disciplining, consider the long-term goals

By Sharon Hernes Silverman

Many people who support spanking as a disciplinary technique see it as tough but essential. Because they have observed the futility of the overindulgent "let's talk this over" approach, they have concluded that the only way to make kids behave is to hit them.

Frankly, both of those child-rearing styles make me cringe. On one hand, I can't think of a more miserable society than one in which it is acceptable for grown-ups to harm children. On the other hand, parents who let their children get out of control have abdicated their role - and they're not doing their kids any favors by failing to provide them with structure.

There is a better way. It's a technique in which parents take the long-term view toward the kind of adults they want their children to become, then use that as a road map to help them guide their youngsters in the desired direction.

Think of it like any other journey: First choose the destination, then plan the route. Set mini-goals on the way. Evaluate the roads others have followed without blindly following in their path. Be prepared for detours, but don't let them deter you from getting back on course. Remember that your role on this trip is as your children's coach, not a starstruck groupie or a prison warden.

My husband and I had clear long-term objectives for our two boys. I'm not talking about career goals or earning potential, but about the kind of people they would grow up to be. We pictured their future selves as happy, hard-working, independent, respectful (and respected), compassionate, creative, and resilient. Our expectation was that they would grow up to be the kind of people we wanted to be around.

Keeping that destination in mind informed the way we disciplined the boys. We made sure they knew what the rules were and understood the consequences for violating those. Then we enforced the limits consistently.

For example, once in a restaurant waiting area, the kids, then about 5 and 3, swung on the velvet rope separating the entrance and exit. We told them that we understood the temptation, but that the rope was the restaurant's way of keeping in and out apart. It was not something for them to touch or to play with, and we expected them to stand in line quietly. We also let them know that if they hung on the rope again we would go home. They did - so we picked them up and left.

The boys were not happy, but the lesson was clear: Mommy and Daddy mean what they say. That was a much more powerful thing for them to learn than the purpose of the velvet rope. We didn't cajole, threaten, beg, or smack them. We didn't even raise our voices. We simply told them (once) what we expected and let them know there would be consequences if that expectation was not met. Then we followed through.

That incident was one of the many small but important milestones on our parenting journey. Keeping our end point in mind made it very easy to figure out if we were doing the right thing. Since hitting engenders fear, not respect, corporal punishment was out. By the same token, letting them run amok while we begged them to stop would also have been contrary to our desire to raise respectful, polite kids.

Discipline doesn't mean spanking or permissiveness. It means firmness, consistency, communication, and consequences. It means teaching good habits and modeling desired behavior. It means setting even a young child's expectations so he or she knows the score. Sure, it takes some thought, time, and hard work, but if you are not prepared to make that investment, you are not going to be a successful parent no matter what your approach is.

Does this "journey's end" technique work? I can only speak from my own experience.

My sons are now 21 and 19. Their "twos" weren't terrible, and their teenage years were largely devoid of drama. They are fine people whose company I enjoy and whose accomplishments and work habits I admire. I love the young men they have become and the close relationship my husband and I have with them.

I am pleased that we have helped them reach adulthood without spanking them or letting them act out of control. And I know that someday, when the time comes, they will be wonderful fathers.