Declaring neutrality in a couple's split

Question: I have two friends I've known since college. They have been dating about three years and recently broke up and are now trying to reconcile. Both keep texting me and talking to me about the relationship and each other. It's more detail than I feel comfortable knowing. I am staying neutral, but I would rather not be involved at all. What do I do?

- John in Pa.

Answer: I recently spoke to a young lady who was getting texts from her sibling's significant other discussing the couple's problems. She felt exactly the way you do. She didn't want to be involved and was especially upset that someone would write to her regarding her sibling. It is extremely rude to talk incessantly about your relationship problems with anyone other than an extremely close friend or family members, and even then the listener can become very overburdened.

Even the best of friends and family have limits to how much they can listen to regarding other people's relationships, and if they know both parties, it is, as you say, not comfortable. The listener must also proceed with caution because he or she might make matters worse. It is hard to be a sympathetic listener and not chime in with our own opinions (I admit my own guilt in this).

If the problems are serious, I would gently suggest the person seek counseling. If not, an up-front conversation could be helpful. I asked my 26-year-old daughter her thoughts on this and I agree with her up-front approach. She said, "Say to each of them separately: 'I am friends with both of you and don't want to take a side.' You have to tell them it's a little much. But be sure to tell them that you like them both very much."

Q: I work out of my house and sometimes neighbors and friends come by to talk. How can I discourage this politely?

- T. in Pa.

A: As someone who worked out of home for many years, I sympathize completely. When I worked out of the house I depended on the time when my children were at school to get my work completed. At times, I truly enjoyed the quick stop and "hello" from a friend. But when I was on deadline, I'd cringe when the doorbell rang. I think you can tell your guest that you are happy to see him or her, but you are in the middle of a project with limited time. Say you will give a call as soon as you are less rushed. Then, make sure you do that.

Q: A friend of mine who retired last year e-mails me regularly. Sometimes it takes me a day or two to answer because I am still working full time. I'll send my e-mail, and 10 minutes later she e-mails back. I wish she would wait a day. It makes me feel pressure that I have to respond immediately too. Do I?

- Barry in N.J.

A: We each have our own pace in responding to social media. Sometimes on the weekend (or on a very busy weekday) people take a break from personal e-mail or texts, and it might take a while to get a response. I think it's acceptable for you to not respond until you have time and if your friend wants to write back immediately, so be it. When you see this friend, you might say, "I appreciate how prompt you are answering e-mail, but please understand that it's hard for me to respond that quickly." Try not to feel pressured to answer the e-mails right away, but also understand that your friend isn't violating any etiquette rule. She's just answering at her current pace.

Here's a question where I'd like some answers from readers. I commute on the train to work, and I find it rude and frustrating that on a crowded train people will sit on the aisle seat and leave an unoccupied seat next to them. The other day almost a dozen people were standing while three people were taking up an aisle and blocking the seat next to them. Should they be asked to slide over?