Lives in transition: Moving beyond 'tolerance'

Diana Goetsch is a writer in New York City and author of "Nameless Boy"

Two and a half years ago when I began to transition, I was living in two genders, spending some days as Doug, some as Diana. I wasn't doing this out of curiosity or experimentation, as anyone aware of how dangerous it is to transition will attest. Rather, I knew where I was headed, and was carefully pacing myself, lest I go insane.

If I needed to use a public restroom on Diana days I chose the women's room. It was an easy call: While New York City is a welcoming place, the most dangerous place in it for a trans woman is a men's bathroom. During my Doug days, I used the men's room, and that too was a simple decision:

Despite knowing myself to be a trans female person, presenting as male in a women's room would have been needlessly disruptive to the women there. This wasn't a matter of rights or politics, but basic compassion for others and for myself.

While transitioning has offered many interesting experiences, using the women's room isn't one of them. At first, sitting and peeing in stalls, I was paranoid that the sound of my urine stream could be detected as glaringly unlike that of women in other stalls. Outside, in the common space, I washed my hands in a sink closest to the paper towels, didn't say a word, barely glanced at my makeup, and made a prompt exit. I feared some woman would look at me and say, "You don't belong here." (That did happen once, in a restaurant bathroom in New Hope.)

A recent poll reports that 56 percent of North Carolina residents approve of the bathroom restrictions in House Bill 2. I would like to think that most of these folks are so preoccupied with their own discomfort that they're blinded to this fundamental fact: Trans people are, far and away, the ones least likely to seek trouble in a public restroom.

The statistics bear this out: Zero reported incidents, in the history of the world, of trans people misbehaving in bathrooms.

I would like to say to the 56 percent: You are entitled to feel uncomfortable, and we are entitled not to be murdered.

Some dismiss the whole issue, pointing out that there are far more important things to debate, such as global warming and equal pay for women. The current fight over bathroom usage, for such a small segment of the population, has been labeled a "culture war." This is no culture war, any more than Jim Crow legislation, and the fight to repeal it, was about "values." The politicians behind HB2 know exactly what they are doing: That law, along with more than 100 other anti-trans bills currently under consideration in 28 state capitals, aims to eradicate us from public life.

What happened for trans people this month, when the Justice Department sued North Carolina over HB2's restrictions on restroom access, is what happened for gay people last June when the Supreme Court affirmed the legality of same-sex marriage: We suddenly moved from an era of depending on "tolerance," to an era of claiming respect.

In the unlegislated world of tolerance, the privileged can say to the oppressed, "We have decided to tolerate your nonconformity to us, but don't get carried away."

But, in the world of legitimate respect, the oppressed minority gets to say, "We're not particularly interested in your tolerance, so long as you respect our rights."

This respect, along with its legal backing, was explicit in Attorney General Loretta Lynch's remarks May 9:

"This action is about a great deal more than just bathrooms. This is about the dignity and respect we accord our fellow citizens and the laws that we, as a people and as a country, have enacted to protect them - indeed, to protect all of us. . . . Let me also speak directly to the transgender community itself. Some of you have lived freely for decades. Others of you are still wondering how you can possibly live the lives you were born to lead. But no matter how isolated or scared you may feel today, the Department of Justice and the entire Obama administration wants you to know that we see you; we stand with you; and we will do everything we can to protect you going forward."

Now when a woman in a restroom says, "You don't belong here," I can caution her on my rights (and decide if I will tolerate her). Once we get that cleared up, we can reapply our lipstick while discussing global warming and equal pay for women - which I agree, are more important than policing bathrooms, which never needed policing in the first place.

diana@janestreet.org