Who's the grownup here, anyway?

ONE OF A parent's most important jobs is to decide whether and how to intervene in his or her children's battles.

Kids squabbling over who gets the last brownie?

Let 'em figure it out.

Kids getting bullied?

Let the fact-finding begin.

Each situation calls for a different parental response, depending on everything from a child's age and temperament to her maturity or lack thereof.

But no kids' conflict ever ends well when intervening adults go crazy themselves. I'm thinking of the Memorial Day beatdown in Juniata Park that left two children and two adults - one of them knocked unconscious - needing hospital care.

The battle erupted because one girl allegedly hit another.

I don't know the alleged victim, but I have to believe she's been more harmed by witnessing the beatdown than she was by the hit she allegedly suffered.

Because there's nothing more frightening to a kid than watching the adults in their lives - whom they rely upon to keep them safe - acting in ways that are reckless and dangerous, says Julie Campbell. As director of trauma services at the Children's Crisis Treatment Center, she and her 12-person staff provide intensive therapy to children ages 18 months to 13 years who have witnessed or experienced trauma.

"It's scary for children to see their parents lose control and become aggressive, even if it's on the child's behalf," she says. "It can create a lot of confusing feelings for children. On the one hand, they may feel loved and supported because their parents are stepping in to protect them. Yet they may also feel guilty because something bigger has happened that their parent is involved in and may get in trouble for."

What happened in Juniata Park is a microcosm of what's happening across America, according to a 2010 investigation by the U.S. Attorney General's National Task Force on Children Exposed to Violence.

Of the country's 76 million children, an estimated 46 million are exposed to violence, crime and abuse either as victims or witnesses. Exposure is associated with long-term physical, psychological and emotional harm. Worse, these kids are at higher risk of engaging in criminal behavior themselves, perpetuating the cycle of violence.

Kids learn what they live, as the saying goes.

There is immense impact on a child who witnesses violence, says Campbell.

"They can develop post-traumatic stress disorder and, if the violence is ongoing, develop a lot of anticipatory anxiety about when the violence will happen again," she says. "We see kids with sleep problems, difficulty concentrating and irritability, which can lead to difficulties in managing their own emotional response to stressful situations.

"Other kids withdraw, become depressed and lose interest in school or other activities."

Campbell says that parents who react inappropriately to their kids' battles often had the best of intentions at heart.

"When children have a conflict with their peers, it can be really stressful for parents. They want to be protective and advocate for their child," she says. "But if they don't keep their own emotions in check, they lose the opportunity to use the 'teachable moment' to help their children learn positive ways to deal with the conflict."

Other parents get violent not because their child was wronged by a peer but because they perceive that they themselves have been disrespected.

"Their self-esteem gets threatened. They want to make the point that 'No one does this to my child.' "

In other words, the conflict is perceived as an affront to their authority. And they react in ways that show they have no business being a parent in the first place.

That's my opinion, by the way, not Campbell's. But, sorry, I won't mince words about an adult's duty to hold it together for the kids who are watching and learning from their actions.

What happened in Juniata Park was a disgrace. The children deserved better.

All children do.

Phone: 215-854-2217

On Twitter: @RonniePhilly

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