Sex advice: Husband's losing the urge and wife's not happy
Q: My husband and I have more than 30 years' history. We are in our 50s now, but 15 years ago, he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told him I wanted him to get a vasectomy. Since then, we have had the best sex ever. I have no worry of getting pregnant. It is so great. Lately, our sex life has dropped off. Two times a month if I am lucky. I am confused and hurt. I feel that he has lost interest. Is this normal at our age? Because I have no desire to stop.
Steve: Yes it is normal at your age for the sexual desire to die down on each side. But it is easily fixed. Go to your family doctor and see what he or she recommends. Try a few different things, and stick to the one he likes best. If he's a good man, he'll get the doctor to boost him back up. And God bless you, because usually the women shrink faster in sex enjoyment.
Mia: Sex changes as couples get older and spend time together. For many couples, that means they spend more time snuggling and petting than doing the horizontal boogie. Steve's right about seeing what a doctor can do. Just make sure you do your job, too. Try and keep things from being too routine. Surprise him from time to time. Limit use of technology in the bedroom, and keep your sexy on. You're a hot girl, so you know what I mean.
Q: My best friend hooked me up with a date whose first name is Danny. He seems like a nice guy, but his name is starting to bother me. The most horrible man I ever dated was named Danny. I know it's crazy. Danny is a common name. But I grew to hate the name, and here I am again. Is it a weird thing to worry about a guy because of his name? Like I said, he seems like a nice guy, but the name has so much baggage for me it's making me think I should start backing off. Is this wrong?
Steve: Maybe you could get him to change his name. Names really do carry a lot of baggage. A guy who shares a name with an assaulter isn't something most women would want. It's human nature. How many people today name their kids Adolph? It's worth discussing, and see if you can come up with a solution.
Mia: I have a friend who was once in love with a guy I'll call Doug. He dragged her through the dirt. Cheated on her something awful. Even had a baby with another woman while they were still newlyweds. It was a really volatile relationship. She eventually got herself out of it only to meet another guy named Doug. You know what? She couldn't do it. I can't blame her. But back to you. If you don't like his name, move on. There are lots of guys out there beside ones named Danny. Good luck.
We get letters. Here's one from earlier this month:
Hi Steve & Mia!
I just read the column that came out today, and a few sentences from Mia's response stood out to me the most:
"A guy is a stud if he's getting it in every chance he gets, but a woman who does the same thing is a slut. I can't get with that attitude in 2017. Get outta here with that." So, just wanted to say "YES" and "THANK YOU" because I've unfortunately came across this sexist mentality and cast judgment by men when it comes to women/men sleeping together on the 1st, 2nd, 4th, or 10th date. So many of my female friends (ages 22-25) and I have discussed this topic, and it's about time that we stop shaming women for their sexual decisions and needs. It's not just one person making the decision to have sex; it's a consensual one, and it always should be that way. The guy who asked this question was just a harsh reminder for me that this mentality still exists. Ugh. But raising awareness about it is maybe the only way to eliminate the stigma.
Anyway, just wanted to share my two cents. Thanks again for writing and sharing!
Steve: Yes, yes and yes! Women must have 100 percent support for what they want to do in safe sex lives. Listen to Mazzy Star sing "Fade Into You."
Mia: There you go again with the musical reference Steve. I can't!
Between them, Steve and Mia have logged more than a few decades in the single-and-dating world. They're also wise to the ways of married life. They don't always agree, but they have plenty of answers. Contact them at S&M c/o Daily News, 801 Market St., Philadelphia, PA 19107 or steveandmia@phillynews.com.