Tell Me About It: How to face ex after I abruptly dumped him?

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: Several years ago, I abruptly and unilaterally ended an 18-month relationship. I stand firm with my reasons, but my (kind and lovely) ex was understandably upset. We haven't spoken since. I still feel guilty, but that's my cross to bear.

Despite a happier relationship since then, I'm pretty sure the ex hates my guts. Here's the problem: In a few months, I expect to see the ex at a mutual friend's event. Being in proximity will be unavoidable. I want to send the ex an e-mail saying that I'm sorry how things ended and that I'd like us to be at least cordial at this event, and that I'm willing to keep my distance if the ex doesn't want to talk to me. Part of me thinks this is sensible and will allow both of us to enjoy this event without apprehension. The other part of me thinks this e-mail will just sound condescending and melodramatic. What is the kindest way to approach this situation?

Answer: Are you willing to share your reasons? I suspect they might affect my answer.

In the meantime, my advice is just to go without any pre-call, and be polite when you see the ex.

Question: Please, do not say one word. I've received "apologies" like this and they all - without exception - have a tone of "Sorry I threw you on the pile of other men I've destroyed" and come off as very condescending, rude and awkward. He was broken up with, he was bitter, but now he has moved on. Be prepared that he's actually happier than you are.

Answer: Last line is suitable for bronzing. Not because it puts one in one's place, but because it rounds out the realm of what's possible - and an open mind is what inoculates against condescension. Assumptions, on the other hand, all but guarantee it. Thanks.

Question: My reasons? To make a long story short, I was undergoing a lot of unrelated life stresses and found my ex was only making me feel worse instead of better. Unfortunately, I couldn't express that until I had a panic attack and cut all ties. I expect - and really, hope - that the ex is happier than I am.

Answer: That's an argument for saying something to the ex. Not the pre-event ice-breaker you had in mind, though; a "You never knew why I did what I did, and I wasn't able to articulate it until recently, but here it is now" - the blame-release that you've owed him for quite some time (but are contemplating only now when you know you must face him. Hmm.).

Include in this letter that "stresses built up, I had a panic attack and fled," that he deserved better and you wish you'd handled it better, and that you want nothing but happiness for him. Don't even expect a response - it's just stuff he deserves to know.

Question: Thank you. That is . . . reassuring. I actually just teared up a little. I think that might be a therapeutic letter to write, even if he deletes it instead of ever reading it.

Answer: Hope so, for both of you. Thanks for writing back.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.