Tell Me About It: Wants to bow out of friend's baby shower
Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: I just got an invite to one of my closest friends' baby shower (thrown by another friend). I do not want to go for several reasons. First, I hate showers, especially when they are gift grabs (as this one is), and especially when they are gift grabs for people who seriously do not need other people to buy them things.
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Question: I just got an invite to one of my closest friends' baby shower (thrown by another friend). I do not want to go for several reasons. First, I hate showers, especially when they are gift grabs (as this one is), and especially when they are gift grabs for people who seriously do not need other people to buy them things.
Second, this friend has not been a very good friend to me since she met her now-husband. She rarely calls, came to town and didn't visit with us because they were seeing the husband's friends, and her husband was downright rude to me at their wedding.
Third, I am beginning to feel like this friend and I have little in common; at her many wedding-related events, I was surrounded by a bunch of snobs I had no interest in talking to.
And last, I am struggling with infertility after several years of trying, and this friend got pregnant literally the first month she tried. I know it's not her fault, but it smacks me in the face with the bad luck I've had on this front.
Is there a way I can opt out without ruining the friendship? My sister says I should suck it up and go because that's what friends do, and this friend would do that for me.
Answer: "[W]ithout ruining the friendship?" Sounds like that's exactly what you want to do, as you don't actually like her. Sorry to be the one to break it to you.
So that's Item 1 on the menu of ways to opt out.
Item 2: You are years into an infertility battle, such a difficult thing, and if a friend didn't accept that as a get-out-of-her-baby-shower-free card, then friend doesn't apply. It's just a shower, one event in the history of a (once-)close friendship.
Now, ducking out of ever seeing the baby or never supporting her through tough times over this would be a friendship-ender, but we're talking one mulligan here.
Item 3: Suck it up and go. It's not only a legitimate choice, but also possibly the easiest in the path-of-least-resistance sense. You buy something off the registry, you go, you smile indulgently, you hit the sidewalk at the 75-minute mark with apologies for leaving so soon. Emotionally, it will be hard to be there, but it calls the least attention to you and leaves the most options open.
Item 4: You can always RSVP no without explanation. An invitation is not a subpoena - people sometimes have to miss things, and that's all the reason you need.
Choose one response from this menu, and don't give it another thought.
Do give some thought, though, to how you feel about this friend, snobs and rude husbands aside.
Comment: Aren't they by definition "gift grabs"? As in, the community comes together to "shower" the mother/bride-to-be with gifts. I love the tradition - it underscores that life's milestones really are about the village.
Response: Love the friend, embrace the showering, methinks. Thanks.
Comment: I vote for Option 4. The world has way too much unnecessary hand-wringing as it is.
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