Tell Me About It: Inform brother about his gift?

Question: I recently found out my sister-in-law has purchased a vacation home in Florida - without telling my brother. She wants it to be a surprise for his birthday, but I think he should be aware that she made a large financial decision without him. I also do not want to mess up my relationship with my sister-in-law. Would it be bad to inform my brother, even though she told me this in confidence?

Answer: Yes, it would be pretty terrible. The time to break a confidence is when doing so would prevent a harm greater than the betrayal itself.

The house is bought, so you can't prevent the purchase. Your brother is getting surprised no matter what - so all you'd accomplish by meddling is to make yourself the messenger instead of your sister-in-law. I can't think of any way that would help, but I can envision a bunch of ways it would cause havoc.

Even if you did have standing or justification to get involved, which you don't, it's a bad idea to respond as if everyone would feel as you do. Your sister-in-law might have more insight than you do into what your brother wants.

Any good reason to stay out of someone else's mess is a gift - to them if not to you - and you have at least two of the better reasons I've seen not to touch this drama with oven mitts. Accept the gift.

Question: I recently started seeing a man in his late 50s who has been married seven times. His last relationship lasted a dozen years. Is there any hope with someone with this history?

Answer: Yes, if you hope to be temporary. If you hope for a permanent relationship, then basic risk assessment says no.

But you don't need me to read tea leaves for you.

Apparently, you want this and want to justify it as a rational choice, so you're shopping for hopeful rationales. Since I'm all about customer service, here's one for you: It's OK to make choices that would mystify any sentient observer, as long as your expectations are based in his reality and not your wishful thinking.

Another caveat: If the allure for you here is the idea of becoming the One Person special enough to keep his attention, then I suggest finding other, more productive ways of challenging yourself. A triathlon perhaps. Calligraphy. A pie-eating contest. (For a cautionary tale, check out the Ruth-and-George arc in Six Feet Under, Seasons 3 through 5.)

Chat with Carolyn Hax

online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.