Tell Me About It: Naming rights, moving, tempers

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On stepping on parental toes by calling a grandchild "my baby": When I was 4, my little sister was diagnosed as autistic. As you might imagine, my parents were distressed with the news.But my paternal grandfather had a way with words, and told them, "You're scared, but you're not alone. She's my daughter, too."

Twenty years later, and my parents still tell that story, and still retreat to that memory when they're sad or scared. It's quite a legacy for my grandfather to leave.

I've also upset my daughters-in-law (as well as my daughters) by saying "my baby." When hit with the inevitable "It's not your baby," I respond with, "Of course that's my baby. Just as much as you are, my little (insert silly nickname here)!"

Amazing things happen during that exchange. Mom stops feeling threatened, "Granny" lets Mom know she will always be there, and Mom realizes that Granny loves her just as much as she does the baby. It doesn't hurt to throw in, "Can I do something for you so you can get some rest?"

I would like to suggest a solution - or detente - to the tensions over who gets to call a newborn "my baby." I think we can look to the kids for an answer. Children remind us every day with their quips, style, and idiosyncrasies that they belong to no one but themselves.

On facing a traumatic move for a spouse's job: When my husband and I married, his job was in a tiny town in eastern Montana, hours from anyplace on a map. I told him I'd hang in there for one year, but then we'd need to move on. Three years later, I was the one crying when my husband wanted to move up to a bigger company. That town was full of amazing people and characters with amazing stories who knew how to create their own entertainment and take care of each other. It has been 30 years, and we still keep in touch. So don't knock it until you've actually given it an honest chance.

On having a combative partner: My husband and I have been married 25 years, and during our first year of marriage, I picked fights to keep from having to attend weddings, graduations, etc. I finally realized I wasn't angry at my husband - I was panicked about the event. I went to a counselor and figured out how to deal with the anxiety, and my husband is really great about giving me space to opt out if necessary.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.