Can't go wrong sending extra thank-you notes

Question: My daughter got married last summer. She sent thank-you notes promptly for the many lovely gifts she and her husband received. They did not seem to receive gifts, though, from two couples - both of them old family friends - who attended the wedding. I worry that there is a chance our friends sent gifts that never arrived and that they might think our daughter ungrateful or bad-mannered. Of course, there is always the possibility that our friends simply didn't send gifts for whatever reasons. Is there any way I can inquire? Or should I forget it?

- Mother of the Bride

in Pa.

Answer: Some wedding consultants have told me every guest should get a thank-you note from the bride or groom, gift or no gift. Emily Post's Etiquette, which I tend to consult in quandaries I can't solve, does not address this directly, but urges thank-you notes even to helpful neighbors or others who are not invited but who pitch in by accepting gift deliveries or offering a driveway for extra cars. You are correct to be concerned that a gift may have not arrived. In this case, I would suggest a note from your daughter to the couples, telling them how much it meant to her to have them there on this monumental day. That way, if there was a gift, they may inquire about it. If not, no harm is done. The bride looks even more gracious.

Q: My niece is having a small wedding later this year. She and her mother are wondering how to handle friends or family members who are not invited due to the limits of space. Do you send a note of apology or call them, or simply say nothing?

- Margaret in N.J.

A: These are difficult situations, but it's a rare adult these days who doesn't know that weddings and colleges cost a small (make that a large) fortune. The size of a wedding really does determine the price in most circumstances, and budgets have ceilings. I would not send someone a note explaining why he or she is not invited. If there is a close friend or relative who is not included, a phone call may be the best way to handle it, or simply put the word out that it's a small, intimate wedding and the list is limited and even dear friends and family members had to be excluded. It is not a reflection on how much the person means to you or your family.

Q: To ask someone you have just met, "What do you do?" - in other words, "How do you earn your living?" - seems so repugnant to me. I have not experienced this when among Europeans. Americans, however, think nothing of being so intrusive. I have often wondered why such a breach of good manners is completely ignored by Americans.

- Lewis in Pa.

A: You are correct that asking one's occupation is a popular ice-breaker question and many perceive it as rude. It can certainly be interpreted that way when the person on the receiving end feels like his or her worth is being evaluated. If I'm a doctor I'm worth having a conversation with, but I'm not important enough if I'm in retail? Usually, the person asking is just trying to find some fodder for discussion. I agree, however, that there are more comfortable ways to do this. If it's a party, ask how you know or are related to the host. One can also ask, "What do you do in your spare time?" Or, instead of asking a question, mention a movie you just saw or a book you finished recently. Politics, religion, and gossip about the host or hostess are to be avoided. If someone does ask one's job, it is incredibly rude to dismiss the other person on the grounds of his or her work. I know many stay-at-home moms and teachers (particularly of younger students) who can tell stories of inquisitive people quickly finding an excuse to disappear when they aren't sufficiently intrigued by one's occupation.