Tell Me About It: Take a coworker at his word and just be friends

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: Recently I've become friends outside of work with a coworker, which I don't normally do. We have a lot in common and enjoy spending time together.

I thought maybe we could be more than friends, but during a conversation he said he wanted to clarify that we are hanging out as "just friends." I was so surprised by the conversation that I just replied by nodding and saying "of course" - and then we moved on to talk about other things.

I'm not sure now if I should bother trying to go back and clarify his statement as being a permanent thing (i.e. he's just not attracted to me at all) or if it's a "for now" statement (as in you never know, maybe once we're no longer coworkers it'll be different). What do you think? I do want to keep the friendship because I do like him and enjoy doing things with him.

Answer: Then take him at his word and treat this just as a friendship.

If you were pursuing the friendship just for the promise of something more, though, then consider stepping back, if only to allow you to drag any ulterior motives out of their hiding places. Rationalizations now will become needless pain later.

It's normal to harbor some hope of something more, but it will have much less power over you if you recognize it for what it is - a nice thought, not a plan.

Oh, and don't "go back and clarify." What are you going to say: "Are you saying you're not attracted to me now, or are you saying not ever?"

Again - assume not ever. It's better to be pleasantly surprised when something does develop than to be let down when something doesn't.

Question: My husband of 17 years, who used to be a fitness fanatic, has not done anything to get or stay in shape in three years. I am working out to lose the 50 pounds I managed to put on in the past few years. So - I guess I just sit back and wait for him to get his act together, is that it? Because according to you (http://wapo.st/1Brglmo), nothing I do or say will change his mind. Therefore, he will continue to get bigger and I will continue to get more and more turned off by him physically. Sounds like a winning plan to me.

Answer: Sarcasm! I get it. Clever.

I didn't say you wouldn't change his mind, just that you can't control his mind. You can still tell him how you feel, ask how he's feeling, and talk about this as equals.

I'm not sure what else you're looking for. Even if it were legal to force him onto a treadmill at gunpoint, he'd still be able, presumably, to binge on fast food the moment you weren't looking. Knowing the limit of your reach is Step 1 in figuring out what you can, can't, should and shouldn't do.

If he nagged you about the 50 you packed on, then he crossed that line himself. If he didn't nag, and you tackled the problem on your own initiative, then you two pretty much just made my point.