Chick Wit: Trolling for truth in an online quiz

I have a terrible personality.

According to Meyers-Briggs.

My best friend sent me a version of the famous personality test to discover whether we would be good candidates for the CIA, hypothetically.

It's the kind of thing we do. Don't ask.

She forwarded me a Web link to a shortened version of the test.

Neither of us had the spy personality; she was an INFJ and I came up with an INTJ - twinsies! Then I learned what my acronym meant: Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judgmental.

"Is that good?" I asked her over Gchat.

"That's a very rare type."

She sent me an extended profile of my personality. INTJs account for just 2% of the population, and female INTJs are only 0.08%.

I felt like a rare gem, a diamond.

Until I read the rest of the description. The only thing diamondlike about the INTJ is a heart of coal.

The intro paragraph could be summed up as Lady Macbeth.

"INTJs are defined by their tendency to move through life as if it were a giant chessboard, always assessing new tactics, strategies, and contingency plans, constantly outmaneuvering their peers to maintain control."

Famous INTJs listed were Vladimir Putin, Lance Armstrong, Augustus Caesar (did you know Meyers and Briggs lived before Christ?), and Hannibal, among other Machiavellian rulers, egomaniacs, liars, and cheats.

"I'm horrified!" I wrote to my friend.

"No! You could conquer the world!!!"

Three exclamation points are Internet-speak for "overcompensating."

I'm not like these narcissists. Although I do write about myself for a living. And I'm a formidable Scrabble opponent. Does that count?

Another section speculated about fictional INTJs. The first was Walter White from Breaking Bad.

OK, I loved this. At least it wasn't Lydia.

Also, Gregory House from House MD, Hannibal from Silence of the Lambs, and Professor Moriarty, mortal enemy of Sherlock Holmes. Smart, but heartless, characters ranging from a know-it-all misanthrope to a cannibalistic sociopath.

Put that in my OK Cupid profile.

The only decent one was Katniss Everdeen. I haven't read those books, but she's the good one in the kill-kids-for-sport game, right?

I'm not slinging arrows, I'm grasping at straws.

My friend's chat bubble reappeared: "You're right, this is so not you, especially the parenting stuff."

Parenting section? I found it, and the INTJ parent makes the Tiger Mother sound like a kitten:

"Not prone to overt displays of physical affection . . . perfectionistic, often insensitive. When it comes to emotional support, INTJs . . . will likely never deliver the sort of warmth and coddling children crave."

I may not have kids yet, but I'm mother to a dog and a cat. I let them sleep in my bed, I kiss them on the mouth, I cook for them, and I tell them they are brilliant and beautiful - although they listen best when I'm holding a treat.

Don't tell me I can't coddle.

I was Italian before I was INTJ.

Finally, the profile page stated, "Remember, all types are equal."

Oh, sure. That's why you listed history's greatest super-villains in my group.

I hate this. My astrological sign, Aquarius, never suited me, either. The descriptions say things like: a flighty air sign, a social butterfly, no one can hold on to you for long! Meanwhile, I've had the same five close girlfriends since I was 11, I'm a serial monogamist, and I'm a homebody who enjoys nesting.

Aquarius wouldn't let me sit at her lunch table.

Anyone who has been on Facebook recently has seen those "Which Disney Princess/Dog Breed/Game of Thrones House/Alcoholic Beverage Are YOU?" personality quizzes. Who among us hasn't clicked on one?

Who among us hasn't taken one twice for a better outcome?

The last one I took promised to tell me who would play me in a movie. The answer:

Morgan Freeman.

I get that all the time.

I never believed in astrology, much less an online personality test, and yet I'm still curious and then disappointed when they aren't what I want to hear. What are we looking for in these quizzes? Validation? Recognition? Any excuse not to do work?

Well, I'm done. I'm more than a type, a star sign, or an algorithm. I know myself better than anyone.

And I'd be great in the CIA.

Francesca@francescaserritella.com