Tell Me About It: Husband still grieving mother believes stepmother crosses line

Question: My husband's mother passed away 10 years ago. They were very close; his father was always a little disengaged. After she died, my husband spent years in a pretty dark place. With therapy and time, he has worked through the worst of it

My father-in-law remarried shortly after her death. His new wife is much younger, has children at home, and has made an effort to include us. My husband mildly dislikes her, ostensibly due to her religious beliefs, but also because he feels she treads over the line sometimes trying to fill his mother's shoes.

We are expecting our first child, and my husband is thrilled, but it is shining an extra bright spotlight on how much he misses his mother. His stepmother is excited, and is increasingly setting herself up as a prime target for my husband's frustration, for example, talking about being a grandmother.

My husband finds her "grandmother" comments disrespectful to his mother, but doesn't know how to bring it up. I pointed out that our children will see her as a grandmother-type figure, and that we can also honor the memory of his mother as part of their lives, yet he still bristles. How best to approach this delicate situation?

Answer: Isn't it time you and your husband stopped treating this as delicate?

To your coming child, she is a grandmother. She deserves to be treated as such, and not as a "grandmother-type figure."

Yes, it is awful and unfair that his mother isn't alive to be Grandma, but he couldn't prevent that loss. If he interferes with his stepmother's attachment to your child, then the child loses a key source of love in a very big world - a completely preventable loss.