Consistent consequences: How to help kids learn to be responsible
Teaching kids to become responsible
Back in sixth grade, my teacher devised a system to keep our class in line. He divided a bulletin board into halves and wrote "Responsible" on one side and "Not Responsible" on the other.
He put every child's name on a circle of paper and pinned the circles to the "Responsible" half of the board. As the year went on, most of us spent time on the other side but did our best to return, because we knew pizza parties and other treats awaited the kids deemed solid citizens.
It was a simple gimmick, but it worked. I got caught running in the halls once, and I was so terrified of bulletin board exile that I didn't take another hasty step for the rest of the year.
Today I've got a sixth-grader of my own, and, boy, do I need a ready-made system to fill him with a sense of responsibility. The slapdash, seat-of-my-pants, wildly inconsistent approach I've been taking clearly doesn't work.
At my house, balled-up socks are constantly thrown behind furniture. Snack wrappers are forever strewn about the computer desk. Homework is always reserved for the last minute, and then performed with the utmost haste.
I holler and stomp and sometimes get my son to take care of his business, but as often as not I just grumble and do it myself (except for the homework, of course). It's just easier that way.
I know this isn't right. I know I'm supposed to establish clear expectations, inform my kid of the consequences if he doesn't handle his business and then let him face the music. But in middle-class suburbia, this is not so easy to do.
Start with the fact that a lot of households have two working parents, each of whom usually has a significant commute. That limits the time they spend with their kids to a few hours a day, and who wants to spend that time arguing about chores? It's much easier to let the matter slide.
Even if you are inclined to crack down, what are you going to do? Take away screen time? You probably have 10 screens in the house; if you count cellphones and computers; good luck policing them all. Take away sports? You paid a fortune for that travel team, and besides, you're committed to the car pool.
Schoolwork presents its own complications. Every parenting expert I've ever heard says to let middle school age kids take charge of their studying. If they decide to blow it off, they'll learn the cost of screwing around and straighten themselves out.
Sounds great in theory, but in the real world, schools have websites such as PowerSchool that allow parents to track their child's score on every single homework assignment, quiz and test. It's a nearly real-time data stream that all but compels moms and dads to intervene any time Junior's grades take a dip.
So what do you do? I'd prefer to lock myself in the bathroom until the kids go to college or juvenile hall, but Lauren Nichols, head of the child and adolescent psychology track at Chicago's Adler School of Professional Psychology, suggested a different approach.
First of all, she said, the mantra "let them fail" doesn't mean parents should do nothing as their children's grades deteriorate. It means paying attention to how the kids are doing and offering help when needed, while not sparing them from the consequences if they don't do the work.
"What a lot of parents do is try to rush in and try to solve the problem right away for the kid — they attack the teacher, or just say, 'I'll do the problem,'" she said. "It sends the message that you can't handle this. We'll handle it for you."
Over time, she said, that can erode a child's confidence in his ability to deal with difficult situations. It can also lead him to confuse true crises with the normal setbacks of everyday life.
As for enforcing responsibilities around the house, she said there is no substitute for being consistent with consequences. Take away video games every single time a chore isn't performed and sooner or later it will get done.
The ultimate objective is to help children who are approaching adolescence understand that they're capable of meeting expectations. For parents confused about how to do that, Nichols suggested a pair of questions they should ask themselves:
What are the skills I want my child to have as an adult? Is the way I'm behaving pushing them toward that goal or away from it?
In other words, parents have their own responsibilities when it comes to raising a responsible child. So maybe I ought to bring back that sixth-grade bulletin board — but this time, the first name I put on there should be mine.
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