What’s behind the feast of holiday dinner drama?

(MCT)

'Tis the holiday season, so there will be family gatherings, from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day, with a cast of assorted characters and equally varied victuals.

Which begs an answer to this: Why is there so much drama surrounding the food at holiday dinners?

This isn't about dietary issues — the vegan niece or the gluten-intolerant aunt.

It is, though, about a host nursing hurt feelings because guests ignored her family's traditional cornbread stuffing and dug into her mother-in-law's fruit-and-nut version. Or table-wide pouting because a cousin didn't make Uncle Mike's legendary recipe for marshmallowed sweet potatoes, cooking instead a concoction a YouTube video insisted would be a hit.

Maybe, suggests Sheri Castle, it's not the food that's fueling the drama but the memories these dishes trigger.

"With the possible exception of music or a song from our past, nothing is more evocative than a whiff or a bite or an aroma of a familiar thing from our past," says Castle, a cookbook author based in North Carolina. "It's like time travel. You get that one aroma, and you are just swept into a bygone era. And that can be very evocative and very emotional — either positively or negatively."

That's especially true during this season of food-driven holidays, when family relationships and tradition mix with each person's perception of certain foods. As in the guest who snorts, "We never put giblets in our gravy!"

Where it gets tricky, says Castle, is when you put emotion on top of that around any of the big-ticket food-driven holidays — Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas.

"You get combinations of people who might or might not come together very often. And you know each one of those people has very special rituals, habits and expectations about what the food's going to be around these holidays," she says. "I don't think there is only one table that can hold all of those issues."

Jacqueline Hudak, a licensed couples and family therapist in Philadelphia, might agree.

"I look at other issues at play when someone doesn't eat pumpkin pie or whatever. It's not simply the issue of rejection," Hudak says. "You also need to realize a 'No, thank you' can be experienced by another person as something far different. We all have certain places of tenderness and woundedness."

So what may seem innocuous to you might hit one of those tender spots. "Particularly when you're with family," she says. "No one can upset you like a family member."

Another factor adding drama to the dinner table, Hudak says, is our great expectation that whatever we do we can do perfectly.

"Life is a little bit more messy than that. We promote this notion that we can always have things pretty neat and tidy, then we find that, unfortunately, there is normative conflict in family relationships over time," says Hudak, who is also clinical director of the Center for Couples and Adult Families at the University of Pennsylvania's Department of Psychiatry Perelman School of Medicine. "There's birth or death. We lost someone or added someone. Those areas of renegotiation and conflict are normal. They're not necessarily terrible — but we don't want to have discomfort."

To temper the discomfort that may come with changes to a holiday ritual or tradition, Hudak suggests making "a point to warn people before you change something that holds value in the family."

In other words, don't make green beans amandine if everyone's expecting Aunt Meg's green bean casserole with those french-fried onions on top. Or be willing to negotiate with relatives over the selection of someone to carve the holiday turkey now that Grandpa's gone. "How about I do it this year and you do it next year?" suggests Hudak. "Or you carve it at Thanksgiving and I can do it at Hanukkah."

Then consider this.

"If you are hosting a holiday meal, through marriage, through in-laws, through whatever, and you know the secret to holiday bliss for one of those guests is a particular iconic dish from their past — have it there," says Castle, whose latest cookbook is "The Southern Living Community Cookbook" (Oxmoor House). That's assuming it's not imported caviar or an overly complicated dish. "It makes for good storytelling if nothing else."

Castle also wants everybody to extend the season of goodwill and gratitude to the people they're sharing the feast with. And maybe that means lightening up on what can and cannot be on a menu.

"I don't believe that most people (who) go to the trouble to prepare and share a meal with people are doing it from a vindictive spot," Castle says. "Getting together and cooking for one another can be a great act of love and sharing and tradition. If someone really wants lime Jell-O with pears and cottage cheese, for Pete's sake, let 'em have it. It's the decision for one meal. It's not a lifestyle choice."

So before you step into the holiday whirlwind, dear hosts and guests, consider this advice:

"You want to go in armed with as pleasant of feelings as possible," Hudak says, rather than feeding into the illusion that everything will be perfect.

Stopping leftovers from leaving a bad taste in your mouth

Holiday gatherings — Thanksgiving in particular — put an emphasis on bounty, and there may be leftovers. How should you — whether host or guest — handle the leftover question? Do you put some of a favorite dish on the side for yourself or simmer angrily when you're left with a stripped-clean turkey carcass?

We asked Lizzie Post, co-author of "Emily Post's Etiquette, 18th Edition" and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast, for a few tips.

Hosts:

If you know Uncle David loves having Thanksgiving leftovers, Post says, "think about that when you're buying your bird and add an extra pound to it."

It's important for hosts to invite their guests to have leftovers. Before the dinner, Post suggests saying this: "I'm so glad you're going to be with us, so bring a little Tupperware so we can send you home with a (few) leftovers."

The hosts should dish out the leftovers so they can save the right amount for everybody.

Guests:

Guests shouldn't expect to get leftovers from every single dish.

Whether it's one of the season's many food-driven holidays or dinner parties, Post says: "No, it is not OK to ask for leftovers." If the host offers guests leftovers, then it's OK.

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