The Alternative Emmys: Doling out awards to our favorite TV

The nominations for the 2015 Emmy Awards will be announced Thursday by Orange Is the New Black's Uzo Aduba and John Stamos, star of the upcoming Grandfathered (is it just us, or would you totally watch that rom-com?).

Like always, the noms will disappoint.

TV has too many weird facets and niches to give those who truly deserve their due a statue.

That's where we come in.

To honor it all, we give you The Inquirer's Alternative Emmys.

Winner: Cookie, Empire.

Why?: Boo boo kitty, did you really think it was going to be anyone else? Taraji P. Henson's Cookie, after only one season, is in the pantheon of TV's great creations. She solidifies her position the more shade she throws.

Winner: Marcus Scribner, Yara Shahidi, Marsai Martin, and Miles Brown, Black-ish.

Why?: Child actors are often used as a cheap way to up the cute factor and the familial feelings. Not so the kids of Black-ish, especially Marsai, who plays manipulative twin Diane. They bring great humor and surprising depth to the archetypes (nerdy Marcus, A-list Yara, diabolical Marsai, and dim Miles) they inhabit.

Winner: "Peeno Noir," The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Why?: Empire's "Drip Drop" (performed by Philly's Bryshere Gray) may have been the front-runner in the category, but this ode to black male anatomy, performed perfectly by Broadway vet Tituss Burgess, is oddly catchy and inherently hilarious. Listen to it and find yourself singing, "Peeno Noir/ Caviar/ Myanmar/ mid-sized car." (Special shout-out to Kimmy Schmidt's equally catchy theme.)

Winner: Abbi and Ilana, Broad City.

Why?: TV has been fertile ground for female friendship since Lucy and Ethel, but few shows have hinged on it like Broad City. Comedy Central's brilliantly absurd comedy would not work without the central chemistry of Ilana Glazer and Wayne's Abbi Jacobson. No matter what ridiculous situation the pair get themselves into, each episode comes down to how much they love each other.

Winner: The Kalinda-Alicia split, The Good Wife.

Why?: Sorry, Shonda Rhimes. This goes to The Good Wife. We said goodbye to Archie Panjabi's Kalinda, a fan favorite who was written into a corner when she mysteriously stopped having scenes with supposed bestie Alicia Florrick (star and exec producer Juliana Margulies). The two didn't even shoot their final goodbye together, instead employing green screen. What the hell happened? No word: Everyone has kept tight-lipped. Maybe Margulies will have a better relationship with Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who fills Panjabi's investigative spot next season.

Winner: Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings, The Americans.

Why?: Undercover Russian spy Elizabeth (Keri Russell) has a nagging toothache, caused by a close call with U.S. authorities, but she refuses to go to a dentist for fear of capture. So husband Phillip (Matthew Rhys) extracts the tooth himself. Elizabeth and Phillip lock eyes as if he is trying to transfer her pain telepathically into him. It's a wordless, oddly poignant scene despite what's actually going on.

Winner: The Narrator, Jane the Virgin.

Why?: Voiced-over narration is an easy writer's crutch, but in the CW's Jane the Virgin - the best new show of the season, about a virgin (Gina Rodriguez) who is accidentally artificially inseminated - the omnipresent voice (Anthony Mendez) becomes another character, acting more like Ron Howard in Arrested Development than a basic storyteller. He makes fun of the characters, moves the plot along, and joins in the audience shocks in this loving satire of the telenovela.

Winner: Mike Ehrmantraut, Better Call Saul.

Why?: Ex-Philly cop Mike (Jonathan Banks) was a fan fave on Breaking Bad, and a welcome addition to solid spin-off Better Call Saul. On Breaking Bad, Banks never got a scene like the end of the Saul episode "Five-O," in which he sort-of-confesses to his daughter-in-law the circumstances surrounding the aftermath of his son's (her husband's) death. It's a killer scene and left us as emotionally beset as Ehrmantraut is when he basically cops to murder and says to her: "You know what happened. The question is: Can you live with it?"

nolead begins

nolead ends Winner: TV Moms.

Why?: Usually the long-suffering nag, the TV Mom transformed this season into someone who got in on the action just as much as the rest of the fam. Special recognition goes to Fresh Off the Boat's Constance Wu, Black-ish's Tracee Ellis Ross, and Empire's Henson for letting mama finally have fun.

Winner: Jon Snow, Game of Thrones.

Why?:

Oh, come on. He's totally not dead.

Winner: The Parks and Recreation finale.

Why?: Mad Men's fan service finale disappointed. The show taught us we shouldn't expect everyone to get a happily ever after. But after seven seasons, we desperately wanted the inherently sweet civil servants of Parks and Rec to get exactly what they wanted. The finale accomplished that, and in turn gave us exactly what we wanted.

Winner: Boyd Crowder, Justified.

Why?: Because Boyd (Walton Goggins) and his law enforcement nemesis Raylan Givens (Timothy Olyphant) were once homeboys who dug coal together back in the day. Because Boyd is as thoughtful and cunning as Raylan. Because he has looked deeply into the soul of humankind, even turning to religion for answers. And because he was the lucky son of a dog who ended up with Ava Crowder (Joelle Carter).

Winner: Virginia Johnson, Masters of Sex.

Why?: It's a show about sex researchers, and it's on Showtime, so it's no surprise Michelle Ashford's classy story of Dr. William Masters (Michael Sheen) and Virginia Johnson (Lizzy Caplan) features plenty of acts of sexual expression. Caplan's character isn't ashamed of her sexuality and has the good sense to enjoy herself in bed - even, or especially, when she's in a faux-clinical setting with Masters. She's neither silent nor overly dramatic - and she looks as if she's rocking a thrilling orchestral event.

Winner(s): Bates Motel.

Why?: It's quality that matters when it comes to TV murder, not quantity. What moments thrill and cause the greatest chills? Moments when a young, sensitive lad like Bates Motel's Norman Bates (Freddie Highmore, that sweet child from Finding Neverland) is finally in a position to dispatch an unlucky soul to the afterlife. Norman did three of the 10 killings in the first season and only one apiece in the following two. But oh, how magnificent he was when he did in his pops with a blender, or bashed Bradley Martin's noggin with a rock!

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