Q&A with Alain de Botton: Love, quirks, and marriage

Author and philosopher Alain de Botton published his first book, Essays in Love, at the age of 23. Two decades and 15 books later, he's still writing about love, this time in his novel The Course of Love.

It's an interesting approach to writing about a relationship. Readers follow Kirsten and Rabih through courtship, marriage, and children, stumbling through their many mistakes and better moments, but their story is punctuated by psychological commentary and context.

From his book-filled office in London, de Botton talked over Skype about the struggles of writing in multiple voices, the surprising endurance of marriage, and why he doesn't like to read at book readings. He'll be on hand Wednesday at the Free Library of Philadelphia.

Why write another book about love?

Most of our ideas of love come from reading novels that have misleading ideas. Fiction has been responsible for relationship problems because they're either happily ever after or catastrophic. That middle ground is often neglected.

Did you write about the relationship and then add in the analysis later? Was it as you went along?

It was all of those things. I was keen to explore this kind of double track, but it's a weird one. People love it or they hate it. They either couldn't wait to get to the commentary or it ruined the book for them.

Is this what it's like in your head? You are talking, but then there's this second track?

Yes. I love to take situations apart and micro-analyze things. This book is for the kind of person who likes to unpack their feelings, and that's not for everybody.

There have been many books recently about how people are not getting married anymore. Why write about marriage?

What's striking about the last 50, 30 years about marriage is how it has endured. It is such an illogical arrangement. If a Martian came down and we explained that we put a ring on someone's finger and that meant that we shared all our worldly goods, and if we got divorced - as 50 percent do - that they get half of the worldly goods, they would ask, "Why would anyone do that?" We get married to settle down emotionally. It isn't a practical arrangement anymore, it's emotionally motivated.

You've been writing about life for more than 20 years now. How has your view on the world changed?

I don't want to characterize myself as more cynical now; good relationships are still possible. But I used to think the only challenge of relationships was finding the right person. Once you found that person, then all would be well. I've deeply outgrown that view. Compatibility is an achievement. No one is inherently compatible with anyone - we're all so tricky. Everyone is troubled, close up.

That's the trouble when you live alone. When you live alone, you think you're easy to get along with because no one is there to notice how strange you are.

Well, tell me some of your quirks.

Sometimes I don't want to talk - I don't want to explain how I'm feeling. Which is great if you're alone. But if you're with someone, they might think it's a little odd that you haven't said anything all day. It's just that I don't want to speak up. And my sleeping arrangements are odd. I stay up late and I get up early and I take a siesta in the middle of the day. That's easier if you're alone.

Online, people often send you their troubles for advice. Does that happen at book readings?

What I like to do at a reading is not read. There's nothing worse than when a writer reads a selection from a novel you haven't read. Instead, I like to talk about the theme of the book, about romanticism and ideas of love. Then I have a question-and-answer. All humans are vulnerable, and sometimes, there are personal confessions, and I'll give that a go. I don't have the answer, but it's very nice to have that open forum.

I mean, why do people even go to book events when they can download it on their Kindle? It's a sense of community, and I like to have that sense of community at the events.

Dawn Fallik is a former Inquirer staff writer and an assistant professor of journalism at the University of Delaware.