Tell Me About It: Husband shuts her down

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: I do not know how to talk to my husband about a problem. If I say, "I'm cold," he says, "It's not cold in here!" If something upsets me, he tells me there's no reason to be upset. I have really tried to control my emotions, but sometimes I wonder, why can't I be upset? Why can't I even have my own feelings? Is there any way to express this, or am I just stuck being quiet?

Answer: You are never "stuck" being quiet. You always have a choice, even if . . . let's take it to an extreme . . . you live under a repressive leader and certain speech is barred under penalty of death. Even then, the choice is no one's but yours to speak or remain quiet; it's simply a choice between living in silence or accepting death as the price for speaking your mind.

Apparently, what you're really asking is whether you can express this without getting it thrown back in your face, and apparently the answer is no.

But that's no reason not to try. Here's a different way to respond: "It's not cold in here to you. To me, it is cold." Kindly and firmly make it clear he cannot speak for you.

You can also use the therapeutic tactic, "When you blank, I feel blank." As in, "When you tell me I'm not cold, I feel invalidated."

If your husband is merely unhelpful, these might work. If instead he genuinely sees his opinion as the only valid one, then no mere phrasing will unlock his inner empath.

In fact, his certainty paired with your cowering is cause for concern; you might need support to help you stand up for yourself. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233, is not just about violence; the staff can also help you find someone to talk to locally to help you find your voice - and find safety if your husband does not respond well to it. Take care.

Comment: I follow a four-step process: "I feel blank when you blank because blank. I wish that you would blank." My daughter and I learned this tool when she was in Girls on the Run in fifth grade and I was one of the coaches. It really works for us. I think it's better than the two-step formula because it lets you say what you want: something different from what you've gotten.

Answer: I like it, thanks.

Comment: I was once that person who minimized my spouse's feelings, which sounded to me like complaints. I've also been the one to feel like I had to have my feelings validated on my schedule, probably to his annoyance.

I'm not taking away from this very real problem, just pointing out that sometimes additional dynamics may be involved.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.