Sideshow: Calamari Sisters touring Philadelphia

As you should know by now, the Calamari Sisters (I mean, what kind of last name is Squid?), Carmela and Delphine, are the fictive stars of the hit musical Cooking with the Calamari Sisters, which just got extended to Dec. 2 at the Society Hill Playhouse. So happy are the sisters, played in hilarious guise by Jay Falzone and Stephen Smith, that they're visiting all over Philly. Watch for them near you - and ask for a recipe.

People and U.K.'s Daily Mail are running sections from

Rod Stewart

's forthcoming autobio,

Rod: The Autobiography

. The always quotable Rod tells us that

Janis Joplin

was always chasing himself and bandmate

Ronnie Wood

around, seeking intense and immediate intimacies: "We were terrified of her and would hide behind the plant in the lobby." He also speaks of addiction, divorce, starving for the sake of art, etc.

When did he know he'd made it? Fame, we mean? It was an afternoon in 1971, as he recalls. He was climbing out of his Lamborghini, don't you know, "dressed as a leopard from head to toe, with my girlfriend . . . and thinking to myself, 'Bloody hell - you're quite the rock star, aren't you, son?' " All the signs were there!

OK, we didn't see this coming. . . . If, indeed, there is anything to these reports.

Yesterday, we at SideShow had the sad duty of reporting the sundering of Joe and Tina Simpson, reality-TV folks and real-world parents of stars Jessica and Ashlee. Now rumors are ramping, stoked by a National Enquirer article, that Joe is gay. A rep says that the split is, sure it is, amicable, and that "there is no third party involved." In her divorce filing, Tina claims "discord or conflict of personalities" after 34 years. Joe is asking that Tina walk away from the marriage with zippo. Stay tuna.

SideShow favorite and genius thesp

Helen Hunt

is in the forthcoming

The Sessions

, in much of which she is totally, like, nekkid. Starkers, OK? It's a professional necessity. She's a sex surrogate trying to do something extremely nice to/for

John Hawkes

, paralyzed by polio. "It was scary," the 49-year-old Emmy-and-Golden-Globe-and-Oscar-winner says, "but perfect." You gonna let your stepson

Emmett

, 15, and daughter

Makena Lei Gordon Carnahan

, 8 [with your boyfriend, producer

Matthew Carnahan

], watch that? Her answer: "[T]hey are beginning to be an age where their sexuality is coming to life or going to come to life. I would love to bring in the spirit of this character to deal with it." Um,

whaaat?

Translation: Shut up, I got paid. . . . OK, that was cruel. We may not understand, but we do love you, H.H.

This

can't

be true, can it? We've been reading about the blissy, celestial wedding ceremony last Friday of beauteous

Justin Timberlake

and bounteous

Jessica Biel

, and it all sounds so wonderful . . . but now, ick, turns out a pal of theirs,

Justin Huchel

, made a video, shown at their wedding party, in which what appear to be real, skid-row L.A. homeless persons wish them well and say stuff like "my gift is in the mail."

Whaaaat?

Come

on

. Yeah, it makes fun of Justy and Jess' wealth, and yeah, maybe they didn't know it was coming, but yeah, it's totally, benthically (bottomfeedingly) tasteless. And, of course, it got leaked on to the Whirly Wide Web, baby, oh, yeah, courtesy of that edgy site Gawker. Huchel says he'll sue Gawker and wants the vid, which was a private thing, yo (well, it's still offensive, J-Huch), taken down.

Whew. Rumors had idiosyncratic fellow

James Franco

dating

Ashley Benson

, his costar in

Spring Breakers

. Not so, turns out. Oh, OK . . . um, are you boodling with

Kristen Stewart

? J-Franc denies it. As for Benson and

Selena Gomez

, he says, "Those are [

Justin

]

Bieber

's girls and I wouldn't dare tangle with the Biebs." Wise. We hear he leads them around in chains.

Sean P. Puff Diddy Daddy Combs

was involved in a car crash in L.A. on Wednesday night, when his chauffeur-driven SUV T-boned a car making a sudden left in front of them. Photos show a shaken Diddy lying on the grass, but apparently he and all involved are OK, which is good. "Woah . . . that was a close one!" he tweeted Thursday morning. . . . In other L.A.-area traffic news, TMZ learns that hours before getting a DUI in L.A.,

Bobby Brown

was hanging out at the Maui Sugar Mill Saloon in Tarzana, Calif. He even sang karaoke. . . .

Melanie Griffith

is reportedly helping

Eva Longoria

cope with her breakup from Jets QB

Mark Sánchez

. . . . Another report says what broke them up was the lousy season the Jets have been having.

That

's your reason for dumping incredibly lovely Eva? You're

nuts

, yo. . . . This lawsuit involving purported talent manager

Sam Lutfi

and

Britney Spears

is apparently endless. . . . Lovely

Princess Madeleine of Sweden

has gotten engaged to dual U.S./U.K. money guy

Christopher O'Neill

. . . . The increasingly frightening

Dolly Parton

picked up a "sexy" Halloween costume at Trashy Lingerie in L.A. "We have fun at Halloween," Dolly told TMZ. Then she womanhandled herself and said,

and can you love this enough?

, "I have two pumpkins . . . that's all I care about."