Dave on Demand: Whoa, Canada: No soaps in your future

Many soap fans - at least the ones with fast Internet hookups - are mourning the news that

All My Children

and

One Life to Live

will not enjoy second lives online after all.

Personally, as much as I love both shows, I never thought transplanting them to the Web was a viable solution. If daytime dramas had grown too cumbersome and expensive for broadcast, how could the financials work in the cable-access atmosphere of the Web?

In fact, with all the cost-cutting measures that Prospect Park, the new owner of AMC and OLTL, was exploring, fans should consider themselves lucky things didn't work out. They might not have been able to recognize their old favorites online.

I'm told Prospect Park proposed moving production of both shows to Canada to save money. When it was pointed out to the company that the actors might not be too eager to repatriate, they said, "That's OK. We'll recast."

In my mind that would have led to a scene like this on One Life to Live:

INT. CABIN. THE WALLS ARE FESTOONED WITH POSTERS FOR LABATT'S BEER. NORA STANDS OVER HER SON, MATTHEW, WHO LIES IN BED IN A COMA WEARING A MAPLE LEAFS JERSEY. BECAUSE OF NORA'S EXTREME HEIGHT, SHE HAS TO BEND NEARLY IN HALF TO STROKE MATTHEW'S HAIR.

THE DOOR BANGS OPEN AND BO ENTERS IN HIS RED MOUNTIE UNIFORM FOLLOWED BY GUSTS OF SNOW. HE REMOVES HIS HAT AND SHAKES OUT HIS HAIR, WHICH CASCADES DOWN AROUND HIS BROAD SHOULDERS.

Bo [in his thick Austrian accent]: Hey, Stretch.

Nora [rubbing her head after hitting it on the ceiling]: Where have you been?

Bo: Arresting Victor Lord Jr.'s murderer! The schwein. [Gesturing at Matthew] Who's that?

Nora: Our son.

Bo: Looks different.

Nora: He's getting weaker, Bo.

Bo: It may not matter.

Nora: Why do you say that?

Bo: I just heard the long-lost DNA results. He's not our child, you tall drink of water.

Nora: Where did you hear this?

Bo: It was on the tape of Liam's therapy session in Dr. Tremblay's office.

Nora: Who's Liam?

Matthew [sitting up]: Who's Dr. Tremblay?

CUT TO COMMERCIAL FOR GODADDY.COM

All bets are off. With this week's double elimination, we're thundering down the stretch on The X Factor. And Paula Abdul is left without a horse to ride. All the groups she was mentoring have been dismissed.

That leaves her to play the role of the spoiler for the rest of the show. Perfect. She doesn't have to make valid criticisms. She doesn't even have to be coherent if she doesn't feel like it.

Let's get this party started.

Foolish laughter. I like almost everything about the sitcom Two Broke Girls. Except the acoustics.

Whenever Earl (Garrett Morris), the cashier at the diner, gets ready to deliver a line (luckily, he always telegraphs it), I have to jab for the mute button.

The Saturday Night Live veteran must have a clause in his contract that stipulates the laugh track get cranked up to 11 after each of his one or two punchlines per episode. It's absolutely jarring.

His jokes are dismal, but the (pretend) crowd goes wild every time.

What's my line? Idol runner-up Lauren Alaina had an ultra-ironic brain cramp while singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" before the Packers-Lions kickoff on Thanksgiving.

She powered into the song but then froze. She simply could not remember the word that came before "last gleaming." That makes her the only 17-year-old girl in America not obsessing over Twilight this week.