Sideshow: An unfunny drug-drink tale

In '98, police put Saturday Night Live's Darrell Hammond in a straitjacket and took him to New York Hospital. "My wife came but I didn't recognize her." So DH writes in his shocking new memoir, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm . . . well, it's a naughty word . . . due Nov. 8. DH, known for his parodic turns as Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Dick Cheney, writes that he kept his body pickled in drink and drugs to deal with his abusive childhood. "I kept a pint of Remy in my desk at work. The drinking calmed my nerves and quieted the disturbing images that sprang into my head," he says in a passage printed by the New York Post. "When drinking didn't work, I cut myself." Things escalated in '02. "I'd started [taking] an obscene amount of cocaine," DH says. "I had to be creative about how I did it without . . . letting it interfere with the work. At least too much." Will the comic's SNL pals hate the book? "I don't have anything bad to say about anyone there," DH tells the Post. "They all really went above and beyond the call for me."

Funnyman Robin Williams, 60, and graphic designer Susan Schneider wed Sunday at the Meadowood resort in California's Napa Valley, People reports.

Us Weekly says all three of Williams' children - Zelda, 22, and Cody, 19, from his second marriage to Marsha Garces Williams - and Zachary, 28, from his first marriage to Valerie Velardi - were there to cheer on the new couple. Other guests included Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Billy Crystal. The couple met in '09, shortly after Williams had heart surgery.

Less than a week after she underwent a double lumpectomy, Giuliana Rancic returned to work Monday at E!, the EntNews channel says. Rancic, whose breast cancer was caught early, also had some lymph nodes removed for biopsy.

"I still have a long road ahead, but thanks to everyone's overwhelming love, support and prayers, it will be an easier journey," Rancic tells E! News.

Barbadian goddess Rihanna spent $1,500 in a five-minute shop-'n'-go session at a Paris sex shop named Lovestore, say the New York Post and London's Sun. "She knew exactly what she was after and didn't want any assistance picking out items," Anonymous Source tells the Sun. "There was no dithering. She was grinning from ear to ear." Items allegedly included handcuffs, scented candles, and lingerie. Tee-hee . . .

Oprah Winfrey was to interview designer Ralph Lauren Monday night in a live chat at Lincoln Center before an audience of heavy hitters, including Jerry Seinfeld, Martha Stewart, Tom Brokaw, Naomi Watts, and Anna Wintour. A cultural soirée for the ages! Proceeds benefit Lauren's cancer care center in East Harlem. Lincoln Center, too.

Pink, proud daughter of Doylestown, ran into Kim Kardashian and hub Kris Humphries' intimate celebration of Kim's 31st b-day Friday at the Darby eatery in NYC. The New York Daily News says the couple persuaded the pink one to take the stage and serenade 'em with "Killing Me Softly."

Jennifer Aniston, she of the Hair, has the best female celeb body over 40 in the universe, nabbing a leading 25 percent of votes in a poll of 2,000 guys 'n' gals conducted by Fitness mag and Yahoo gossip site omg! Jen's ex, Brad Pitt, is No. 1 on the men's list, with 29 percent. Jen will be overjoyed to know that Brad's current belle, Angelina Jolie, isn't on the list at all! Oh, wait, Ange is only 36. . . . Halle Berry (24 percent) and Jennifer Lopez (22 percent) follow Jen, while Will Smith (24 percent) and Hugh Jackman (23 percent) are 2 and 3 among the men. We've learned a lot about ourselves from this list, haven't we?

So says cocktail waitress Jessica Donaldson, who met the prince at the Ivy Nightclub in San Diego on Oct. 7. Prince Harry is on the West Coast to complete his training as a helicopter pilot - and to party like it's 1999. Donaldson tells London's Sunday Mirror that, contrary to rumors the two kissed and/or made love, their encounter was entirely proper. "He is so sweet. In fact he was kind of goofy with me," she says. "I really like him but I am speaking out now because I want people to know the truth. I am not sleeping with Prince Harry and he has never been anything other than a total gentleman to me."

Madonna was booed at the red- carpet premiere of her new movie, W.E., in London Sunday night. The picture is a biopic of Wallis Simpson, the American-born woman whose love affair with King Edward VIII led to his decision to give up the British throne to marry her.

Madge says she's a lot like Wallis.

"I do know what it is like to be misunderstood on a global scale," she told reporters, according to the Hollywood Reporter. But did the Material Mom get booed because of the film or because she didn't pay enough attention to the fans who had lined up to see her? Unclear.

Meanwhile, Madonna's brother, Anthony Ciccone, 55, tells the Michigan Messenger that he's homeless, destitute, and living under a bridge in Traverse City, Mich.

Singer John Mayer says on his blog that he has been ordered on "complete vocal rest for a month or more" after undergoing surgery for a nodule of inflammation above his vocal cord. "It's been a very long process in waiting to see if time was an alternative to surgery," Mayer writes. "But even given two weeks' voice rest . . . there was no change for the better."

Are Jessica Simpson, 31, and fiance Eric Johnson, 32, expecting a baby? Monday morning photogs caught Jess arriving at JFK airport in New York from Lalaland.

And she looks super-pregnant.

So why has the Newlyweds alum and fashion mogul consistently declined to confirm or deny the pregnancy rumors?

RadarOnline says it's all about money, claiming Jess has been holding out for a gossip rag to pay $500,000 for exclusive! rights! to the story. Radar says no one's biting, and now it's probably too late.

Poor Jess.