Chick Wit: Resolved: To avoid resolutions

I've said that I don't like the idea of New Year's resolutions. They're too negative. Why start out the year with a long list of things you do wrong?

Especially when you're so great.

How do I know you're great?

You're here, aren't you?

Bottom line, you and me, we're great already.

That's why I make unResolutions. In an unResolution, I resolve, in the new year, to keep doing something that I like about myself. For example, I like that I kiss my dogs on the lips. And I resolve to keep doing it. Why? It's fun, and it doesn't hurt anybody except my dogs, who are permanently scarred.

But they can't hire a lawyer, so no worries.

Now that we've established that I'm no fan of resolutions, you'll understand why I feel cranky at the people who pressure you into making them. There's even a website that will tell you to make a resolution and create a contract with yourself about it. You can choose among the resolutions, which are "lose weight," "quit smoking," and "exercise regularly." Or you can even make a "custom goal."

You can guess my "custom goal."

I pick "marry George Clooney."

It said "custom."

The way the website works is that if you don't keep your resolution, you break your contract with yourself. I don't know if you have to sue yourself or not, but this may be where my dogs come in. If you can sue yourself, they can sue me, and we're all in deep dog doo.

The website also tells you to create a penalty so you don't break your resolution, i.e., it challenges you to "put your money where your mouth is." It says that you should set a dollar amount, whereby you pay money if you break your resolution.

Do you understand this? It means that you have to lose your own money if you decide to ditch George Clooney.

That's crazy. And if you ditch George Clooney, you've not only lost your money, you've lost your mind.

According to the website, exactly 52,283 people have already made contracts, for a total amount of $5,479,151.

Wow! That's real dough. I'm pretty sure we could pay off the federal deficit with all the people, like me, who resolve they're going to start working out, but don't. Now, they'd not only have to pay off the gym membership they're not using, like I did, but they have to pay the website, too.

They can feel bad about themselves - twice!

Happy New Year?

And if you're wondering what the website does with the money, it sends it to "a friend, a charity, or an AntiCharity, which is an organization you hate!"

Consider the first option, that it sends the money to your friend. In my case, let's say I make a contract to lose weight and the beneficiary is my Best Friend Franca. Then, if my resolution is that I will lose weight, which is my forever-resolution from the days when I used to make resolutions, and I don't lose weight, Franca gets a hundred bucks.

Huh?

This means that Franca, who would be my alleged best friend, would have to sit around and hope that I didn't lose weight. She cashes in if I fail. Is this the kind of behavior we want to encourage in our BFFs? On the contrary, that's the way to turn a friend into a frenemy.

Also, Franca would never do it. She would tell me I didn't need to lose weight, no matter how chubby I was. In fact, she'd love me more, the more there was of me to love. That's why she's a true BFF and not a fake, dumb website BFF.

And consider the penalty money going to charity. If I didn't lose weight and broke my contract with myself, my hundred bucks would go to an animal shelter. That sounds like a win-win to me. Dogs get rescued and I get chocolate cake.

I guess that's why they came up with the AntiCharity idea, where the money goes to an organization you hate. Let's pick an organization that everyone hates, like the Ku Klux Klan. This way, if you don't lose weight, you're funding the KKK.

Ya happy yet?

Maybe I should start my own AntiCharity. You can join.

We'll call it People Organized Against Resolutions.

That'll fix 'em.