Ask Amy: Should gay couple come to the party?

Dear Amy:

In three months, my wife and I will celebrate our daughter's first birthday.

Two of our friends are getting ready to adopt their first child soon, and we couldn't be more thrilled for them, but I am hesitant about having my immediate family attend our daughter's party with this couple.

My mother is a very conservative Catholic, and our friends are gay men. To put it simply, I'm afraid my mother will embarrass us by making a scene at what is supposed to be a joyous occasion for our baby and us. Mom knows we associate with people she disapproves of, but I have never told her that we are friends with a gay couple who are adopting a child.

My mother helps us out by baby-sitting during the week (a huge savings for us).

I'm afraid her outrage at having her granddaughter exposed to what she would consider an abnormal lifestyle would be detrimental to the relationships.

Should we have two separate gatherings (one for our conservative families and one for our more open-minded friends), exclude our friends or family, or allow everyone to come and turn my daughter's birthday into a political statement?

Dear Dad:

You should let your mother know you are inviting your friends who are gay and adopting a child. Say: "You are important to me, but so are these friends. I think you disapprove of this, Mom, but I know I can trust you to be cordial and kind to our friends, right?"

A child's birthday party is not the place to make a scene or hash out the social issues of the day.

If your mother can't handle the fact that you and she disagree about gay people's right to form families together, then you should know this now.