Chick Wit | The real empowerment.

Nowadays, superpowers are everywhere. At the movies, Spider-Man has superpowers, and so do Sandman, Venom, and whatever the other bad guy is. On TV, all the people in

Heroes

have superpowers, and

Medium

is a soccer mom with superpowers. In books, Harry Potter is a boy with superpowers, and Tolkien's

The Children of Hurin

has hobbits with superpowers, which may be redundant.

Something is happening in pop culture. I'm no detective, but I think it's that people want superpowers.

Not me, though. I don't want superpowers. I don't want to turn people into sand; I like them the way they are, at least the ones I didn't divorce.

And I don't want to spin webs out of my fingertips. I'd settle for 10 really nice fingernails, all at the same time.

Come to think of it, instead of superpowers, I'd want normal powers. If you've read this column, you may remember that I'm picky about really important things, like Splenda and croutons. But I'm flexible on powers. I'd settle for everyday powers. Things that normal people can do, but I can't.

Right off the top of my head, I can make a wish list of 10 normal powers that would change my life:

1. The power to match a lid to its travel mug. They say every pot has a lid, but every travel mug clearly does not. I have 300 black plastic lids in my cabinet and none of them fit any of my travel mugs. I can't find the right lid, ever. And I never, ever will. This is not a metaphor for my social life.

2. The power to remember the directions that somebody tells me after I pull over to ask for them. Every time, as soon as I drive away, I forget. This phenomenon is impossible to explain, especially considering that I remember the words to every high school cheer. "Push 'em back, shove 'em back, waaay back!" See?

3. The power to eat anything I want and not gain weight. If I had this power, I'd fly around in my cape and protect us all from Kirstie Alley.

4. The power to stop my hair from frizzing. I know it's wrong to base your self-esteem on your hair, but let's get real. Good hair helps. I went on a vacation to Paris, and my hair looked terrific. France has no humidity. A good hair country!

5. The power to find my keys and cell phone at will. In fact, if my cell phone could call my car keys, that would work, too.

6. The power to walk in slingbacks, without the strap falling down in back. This is an often-overlooked normal power. Anybody can walk in heels. Only experts can walk in slingbacks. I don't qualify. Yet.

7. The power to watch "Grey's Anatomy" without being totally annoyed by Ellen Pompeo's lips. Lip actresses drive me nuts. I was barely over Calista Flockhart in Ally McBeal, and now this. Renee Zellweger, watch out. I'm taking you down, girl.

8. The power to stay awake until the end of "The Colbert Report." This is no reflection on Stephen Colbert, who knows that I love him because I tell him every night, telepathically. (OK, borderline creepy.) Yet I barely make it through The Word. I can't stay awake as late as I used to. Again, no reflection on my social life, real or imagined. (With you, Stephen, only you.)

9. The power to apply liquid eyeliner without it coming out like a sales chart. I feel sure that my life would change if I could put on liquid liner. My best friend, Franca, can do it and she looks great. My daughter can do it, too. Even Paris Hilton can do it. Why not me? I've been trying and failing to accomplish this for the last 20 years. Now it's probably too late, because my eyelids have fallen like the final curtain.

10. Finally, there's an array of normal powers that I'm squeezing in here, while I'm making my wish list. I'd love the power to get the Christmas lights working on the first try, find my dry-cleaning receipt when I need it, remember where I parked my car, return the DVD rental before the late charges reach $37, and locate a working pen while I'm on the phone - and a working flashlight when the power goes out.

Is it so much to ask?

I don't want to be Superwoman. Just Normalwoman!

Ka-POW!