Sideshow | Anna Nicole goes to the grave in beaded gown and tiara

Anna Nicole Smith's mourners included, top right, her lover Howard K. Stern (right), and, at right, her mother, Virgie Arthur.

The indignity of the pitched battle between her lover, Howard K. Stern, and her estranged mum, Virgie Arthur, over custody of her remains over at last, Anna Nicole Smith was finally laid to rest yesterday in the Bahamas next to her son, Daniel. The funeral, which the TrimSpa rep's manager had hyped as "very beautiful, very private, very over the top, and very pink," was glammier than most weddings.

It was frilly, too: Crowned with a tiara, Smith was draped in a custom-made beaded gown by designer Pol' Atteu, the New York Post reports. And as in a Champale ad, there was glam all around. Smith's mahogany coffin, covered with a rhinestone-studded blanket, shone mighty in the white-columned Mount Horeb Baptist Church. The altar was adorned with a portrait of Smith, who died Feb. 8 in a Florida hotel room. She was 39 years old.

The 300 invitees included Guns N' Roses guitarist Slash and a full camera crew from TV's Entertainment Tonight, all the better to capture the glam, the glitz, and the glory. Heck, even country star Joe Nichols was hired to sing lullabies for Smith, including Dolly Parton's "Wings of a Dove." (The Associated Press says barely 100 showed up, but that does not diminish the glitz.)

In a disconcerting display of ignorance about the dialectic significance of the insignificant - could anything be significant if nothing were insignificant by comparison? - passerby Christie Rathgaber, a 59-year-old nurse from Columbus, Ohio, told the AP, "[Smith's] got a presidential kind of media frenzy going on.

"I'm just incredulous. . . . She was not a world figure. She was not a queen. She was not a president. She was not anything. . . . It's just way over the top." It is good that sophisticates know better.

Sideshow | Brangelina looks to Vietnam for next adoption, official says

Brangelina has reached out to the children of Vietnam to pluck one fortunate to bring home. A top official from the country's adoption agency yesterday told People and Us Weekly that proper paperwork to requisition one child had already been filed. The child's sex and age are yet to be released, though Us says Brad and Angelina have been craving a boy of 3 to 4.

The official said the couple will not get any preferential treatment (even though they represent 40 percent of the globe's total store of beauty), and must jump through the usual bureaucratic hoops.

Pitt and Jolie's new love will join Maddox, 5, Zahara, 2, and 9-month-old Shiloh, each of whom embodies a different nationality. (Shiloh has American and Namibian dual citizenship.)

Real love here, no? Real caritas.

Why, you %$*&!

Kelis, that fresh-faced sweetheart from Harlem, was arrested early yesterday after she allegedly charged at two Miami Beach prostitutes and hurled a stream of racial profanities.

The street pros, who turned out to be undercover cops, nabbed Kelis Rogers-Jones at 4:30 a.m. She was slapped with two misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence. (She used the resist-by-charm method.) Within a couple of hours, Kelis was freed from Dade County Jail on $1,500 bond.

What was the "Bossy" singer doing that night on that fateful street? Did she hum her hit "Milkshake" ("I can teach you / But I have to charge / I know you want it") before rushing the fake whores/real cops? Will we ever know? A Kelis rep handed out a no-comment.

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This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.