Lisa Scottoline: Let's Twist Again

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

But they never met me.

I think it's the definition of adorable.

Besides, I don't do the same thing over and over - I do a different thing over and over.

Still, it doesn't work out.

Because I don't work out.

I'm talking about the "Simply Fit Board - The Abs Legs Core Workout Board with a Twist."

That's the actual name of the product.

I didn't make it up.

I'm not illiterate.

I use commas.

And I'm the kind of person who would actually buy something that says in the corner, "As Seen on TV."

I have officially become Mother Mary.

But I don't blame her. I blame the election.

Because I had the news on most of the time during the election, and every commercial was for a catheter, a copper waistband, or the Simply Fit Board, which is what we'll call it for short. And their commercials showed really trim women swiveling on multicolor plastic boards, i.e., getting in shape in a fun way.

And also boring a hole in the rug, but never mind.

It seemed easy, and I thought it might make some sense since I never do anything for my waist, which seems to be melting.

My core lacks core values.

I'm always on a diet but I never seem to lose weight, and yoga doesn't make me lose weight, even though now I can touch my toes.

Though I can't see them over my belly.

When I watched the commercial for the Simply Fit Board, I realized the women were doing the Twist.

Please pretend you know what the Twist is.

Google it if you're not sure. Search under Mating Rituals of Ancient Peoples.

To save you the trouble, the Twist was a dance people did back in the '60s that became a dance craze.

You're going to have to look up Dance Craze, too.

Again, to save the trouble, a Dance is something that people did before they had smartphones to entertain them.

These were the olden days, when people made eye contact and enjoyed one another's company without taking even one selfie.

And a Dance Craze is a dance that goes viral.

The Twist was invented by a man who sang a song about it, and his name was Chubby Checker. Ironically, he was a little chubby, even though he twisted all the time.

Evidently, he needed the Simply Fit Board!

So long story short, I thought the Simply Fit Board would make a nice addition to my collection of exercise equipment, which already includes an elliptical machine and a stationary bicycle, both of which remain remarkably stationary.

If not inert.

They're not only unused but ignored, even though they are in my office and I have to trip over them to get to the computer.

So the last thing I needed was more exercise equipment, but I started thinking that maybe this is one I will use.

Hope springs eternal.

So do hips.

Plus, the commercial was on so many times I started believing it, especially in comparison with the catheter commercial. If you show me something enough times on TV, I'm going to want whatever it is, unless it's a catheter.

So I ordered the Simply Fit Board, and when it came, it looked just like it did in the commercial. It's a curved board made of hard plastic, in my case pink, and I was so excited I took it out of the box, jumped right on it, and slid across the rug like a drunken surfer.

Before I fell on my butt.

It turns out you need balance.

But it doesn't say on the box "Balance Not Included."

And the first thing that goes when you get older, right after your waistline, is your balance.

So I picked myself up, figured maybe I had done something wrong, and looked for the directions. Of course, no product comes with directions anymore, which serves me right. I spent all of my life assembling things without using the directions, and now the world has called my bluff.

Ya happy now, Scottoline?

Then I dug deeper in the box, and at the bottom I found a DVD that said "Workout DVD and User Guide" on the cover. The only problem was I don't have a DVD player anymore and none of my computers have a DVD slot.

So I went to the website, but it was geared to selling you the contraption and didn't have any directions. Then I turned on the television, waited two seconds, and a commercial for Simply Fit Board came on, which was everything I had remembered.

I jumped back on the board and twisted my heart out, wobbling mightily, flailing my arms, almost tipping over, and finally falling off again.

Then I tried it barefoot and managed to stay on for two whole minutes.

But I couldn't twist that long.

Next up, the Hula-Hoop!

Look for Lisa and Francesca's latest humor collection, "I've Got Sand in All the Wrong Places," and Lisa's new novel, "Damaged," in stores now. Also, look for Lisa's new domestic thriller, "One Perfect Lie," coming in April.

lisa@scottoline.com