Dear Candidates: Lose the random-people props

I'm watching everything about the elections.

I'm watching the Republicans.

I'm watching the Democrats.

I'm watching the debates and the rallies.

I'm watching the entrance polls and the exit polls.

You get the idea.

I'm all over the election situation.

Bottom line, there's a lot of dissent and discord.

But I have found the one thing we can all agree on: We must stop having people sitting or standing behind the candidate while the candidate is speaking.

It's distracting.

I try to listen to what the candidate is saying, keeping my mind open and giving everybody a chance. But there's a slew of random people sitting behind him, and I start watching them instead of the candidate.

Look at that hot guy in the front row.

Does he have a wedding ring?

If not, does he have a pulse?

That's all I ask.

A functioning circulatory system.

Blood pressure.

North and south.

Don't forget south.

I forget why, but it's important.

Or if there's no hot guy, there's a woman behind the candidate, looking down at her phone the entire time the candidate is speaking.

Which drives me nuts.

What kind of person sits three feet away from a person who might become the next president of United States and looks at her phone during the entire speech?

I try to watch the candidate, but all I can think of is, what is that woman doing on that damn phone?

I forgive her only if she's reading a novel.

One of mine.

But I doubt that she is. My readers are geniuses who pay attention when something important is happening, like a speech by the potential leader of the free world.

Plus, I get distracted by the outfits the people in the background are wearing. I try to size up who they are, what they're like, whether they're like me, and whether they're just slobs.

Full disclosure: I'm just a slob.

Worst of all is when they wear funny costumes, because I'm completely distracted by them. Once, when Donald Trump was speaking, behind him was a person dressed exactly like a wall.

I got distracted.

It was a terrific wall outfit.

I'd like to see Wall Guy on Halloween.

What does he wear?

Dockers and a polo?

And then there are the times the candidates are interviewed outside, standing or sitting on director's chairs. Sure as shooting, there's a group of random people behind them, looking motley as all hell.

In fact, "sure as shooting" is a poor choice of words, because that's what distracts me. Every time I see the people that stand so close to a presidential candidate, I worry if they're going to shoot the candidate.

It's not funny, but it's true.

I can't help it.

It's how I think.

I try to watch the candidate during the interview, but instead I end up watching the random people, praying that none of them goes for a weapon.

It makes no sense to let them stand there.

It's an assassination-waiting-to-happen.

I know that candidates are assigned security, but those random people don't have to go through a metal detector to stand so close to a candidate.

So if you ask me, the candidates may have security, but they're not secure.

All they really got is me, worrying about them.

And then, during one of the debates, I got distracted by a bunch of kids in the audience, because the house lights were on and the kids made faces, bopped around in their seats, and tried to get on TV.

In other words, they acted like kids.

At first, I was annoyed at the kids, but then I started worrying about them.

I knew they were going to get yelled at on the ride home.

Then I worried they were going to be punished by their parents, teased at school, and embarrassed for the rest of their lives, labeled as the Kids Who Acted Out at the Debate.

Don't they know the adults are the only ones allowed to act out at debates?

And then there was the debate where some woman in the audience kept whooping. We couldn't see her, but we could hear her, like the most distracting laugh track ever.

So from now on, let's have the candidates speak in a bubble, with no random people watching, clapping, or wearing wall costumes.

This election is stressful enough.

Look for Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella's humor collection "Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat?" Also, look for Lisa Scottoline's Rosato & DiNunzio novel "Corrupted" in stores now, and her new emotional thriller, "Most Wanted," coming April 12.

lisa@scottoline.com.