Giving 'Em Fitz: Reasons are many for loathing Cowboys

It's nice that the Eagles and Cowboys typically play on Sundays. That way if I want to light a votive candle and pray that Miles Austin develops scurvy, I don't have to make a special trip to church.

Wish I understood my Cowboys aversion. All I know is that as a real Philadelphian, they inspire the same kind of animus as Super Pretzels. And for exactly the same reason: They're both tasteless.

People often ask me why I dislike the Cowboys so. As Elizabeth Barrett Browning, a Dallas cheerleader until pantaloons above the ankle prompted her resignation, once wrote, let me count the ways:

Tom Landry's hat. Did he think he was hiding his baldness? The Cowboys first coach wore fedoras right through the Age of Aquarius, shielding his head while the rest of us were expanding ours. I could maybe see the need for one on a December Sunday in Green Bay. But indoors in New Orleans? Or Miami? It was an affectation of the arrogant.

Jimmy Johnson's hair. Speaking of inappropriate headwear. The guy apparently missed wearing a helmet so much that he created one out of hair, mousse and his Arkansas sensibility.

Jerry Jones' face. It's been lifted more frequently than Kyle Kendrick. The current owner's narcissistic infatuation with Botox speaks volumes about his ego, his team and his disposable income.

The old stadium. Who builds a football stadium in a place called Irving? Has there ever been a Texan whose first name was Irving? If so, I'm betting he didn't wear spurs. Anyway, is the weather in Texas so bad and are the fans so delicate that they needed to cover the stands with a roof? Typically arrogant Cowboy fans liked to say the reason there was a hole in the roof was so God could watch his favorite team. If God's really a Dallas fan, how do you explain Leon Lett?

The new stadium. Aside from Rick Perry, is there a more ridiculous monument to Texas excess? A $1.5 billion shopping mall of a stadium in a state where the governor seriously considered laying off 100,000 teachers.

Michael Irvin. Tough to like the man who still holds the NFL record for most felonies in a season.

Deion Sanders. Enough said.

Lee Roy Jordan. This 1960s Cowboys linebacker was obnoxious long before that trait was in vogue.

Tony Romo. Dallas' maddeningly erratic QB once dated Jessica Simpson, perhaps the reason his quarterback rating that year was lower than her IQ.

Barry Switzer. If there ever were a more oily football coach - not counting Johnson and his hair tonic - I can't recall him. He's his sport's answer to John Calipari and Bobby Huggins.

The star. I like most stars. The Christmas star, movie stars, Converse All-Stars, Ringo and Sally Starr. But the mere sight of one of the blue Cowboy variety is enough to make me physically ill.

Dallas. Don't think I'll ever be able to disassociate the city from the JFK assassination. Dallas stole my innocence. And where was Joe Bob Isbell on Nov. 22, 1963?

The World Series used to be special. Now we get players doing bad impersonations of bad actors in the dugout.

In case you were lucky enough to have missed it Monday night, Fox's Joe Buck and Tim McCarver conducted one of those dugout interviews with Derek Holland during a crucial moment of the Series' most crucial game.

Aside from learning such essential facts as when the Rangers pitcher went to bed after Game 4, what he had for dinner and what video games he favored, we were also treated to his bad impressions of both Harry Caray and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Talk about a terminator. You could almost hear viewers all across the United States frantically reaching for their remotes.

What they couldn't fit into these headlines from the last week:

"Red Sox Pitcher John Lackey To Have Tommy John Surgery" - Tommy John to Drink Beer, Eat Chicken In Comeback.

"Democrats Seek Hearing On HGH Test" - Believe It May Explain Newt Gingrich.

"No NFL Teams Attend Terrell Owens Workout" - Disappointed Wideout Schedules Follow-Up for Driveway.

"Cubs Officially Introduce Epstein" - Note That With Glasses, a Cubs Hat and a Headphone He'd Be a Dead-Ringer for Steve Bartman.

As an alum, I'd love to see Temple playing football in the Big East.

But I'm willing to wait until the Owls are able to beat Bowling Green.