Morning Bytes | Nightmare calls to the bullpen

Today's Morning Bytes are brought to you by the letter "B".

Bullpen: I've been trying to come up with an analogy that approximates the distress I suffer whenever Charlie Manuel calls on one of the Phillies relievers. I guess it's kind of like hearing the phone ring in the middle of the night. You know you're about to be confronted by something bad - or at the very least unpleasant. You're just not sure what. So you rub your eyes, brace yourself and hope that maybe it's just a dream.

Bozo: It's amazing how much the sorry saga of the Tennessee Titans' Adam "Pacman" Jones resembles Pac-Man, the game. Pac-Man, you'll recall, moves through a maze, gobbling up dots quickly and easily. But soon ghosts begin to appear. And whenever a ghost touches Pac-Man, a life is lost. The more Pac-Man tries to escape the ghosts that haunt him, the more he digs his own grave. His only defense is to consume Power Pellets. (Wonder if Barry Bonds ever played?) Sadly, the ghosts almost always win.

Bonds: Sometimes baseball's obsession with statistics comes back to bite it in the backdoor. Take Bonds' unsavory, unending, unappealing march toward Henry Aaron's career home run mark. It ought to be, you should pardon the expression, a shot in the arm for baseball. Instead, it's a kick in the butt. We do, however, know when No. 756 will occur: On the same day commissioner Bud Selig will be attending his grandmother's funeral.

Butterfingers: Having watched Ryan Howard play first base this season, I suddenly am in favor of adding the designated hitter to the National League. The other night, Howard and his fumbling friend, Jon "Big Truck" Lieber, teamed up on a defensive play. Lieber lumbered toward the slow-hit grounder like an arthritic octogenarian, then unleashed a Bobby Hoying-like toss to first. Howard handled the low throw like a fledgling juggler. It was like watching George W. Bush and Charlie Manuel team up in an oratorical contest.

Bryant: How could the son of a guy named "Jelly Bean" leave such a sour taste in our mouths? Kobe Bryant might be the game's best player, but the taint of selfishness makes him extremely unappealing, even here in his hometown. Like hoagies and Tastykakes, Kobe ought to be one of Philly's greatest exports. Instead, for all his talent, he's regarded here as the equivalent of a Des Moines submarine sandwich and a Drake's Ring Ding.

Babies: Tiger Woods and Jeff Gordon became fathers this week. The PGA's John Deere Classic immediately offered Sam Alexis Woods a sponsor's exemption. Michelle Wie was invited to the christening even though she's neither related nor a friend of the family. Meanwhile, it's been determined that little Ella Sofia Gordon will wear No. 28 and be sponsored by Johnson & Johnson.

NASCAR note of the week. A year ago, Tom Giacchi, motor-home driver for Carl Edwards, vowed not to shave until Edwards won a Nextel Cup race.

The winless streak and the beard grew for more than a year. Here's an actual only-in-NASCAR conversation Giacchi and Edwards had at Dover earlier this month.

"We were sitting in the motor home," Edwards recalled, "and Tom looked at me and said, 'I think I got a tick in my beard.'

"He spread his hair and sure enough it was a tick. I said, 'Dude, you have creatures living in your beard.' "