Morning Bytes | Some spring questions

Why are all the ads for male-virility products in the sports section?

We're sports fans. The testosterone-charged, alpha-male, macho-and-nacho portion of the population. The "We don't need no stinkin' Levitra" set. The only time we're supposed to worry about a dysfunction is when the Zamboni breaks down.

Would Chase Utley test positive for Botox?

The guy's a great player. But what's with that perpetual Travis Lee countenance? Would it kill him to smile, look angry or blink once in a while? Maybe it's something in his hair cream.

Did Floyd Landis test positive for testosterone?

If you believe the Lancaster County cyclist's claims that his positive Tour de France tests were bogus, then you also have to believe that the French laboratory handling his samples, the magazine L'Equipe, the entire cycling establishment, and all of France were out to get him. That's harder to swallow than Australian coffee.

Has anyone ever tested Larry Brown for LSD?

I'm sorry, this guy is nuttier than Elvis. Maybe that's why he wants to coach in Memphis, one of the few cities he's missed on his Contracts Across America tour. Brown can buy a gated mansion there, surround himself with his entourage (his tailors and travel agents), and wait till Vegas gets a team.

Why not rest Gary Matthews a few innings each night?

The Phillies' new announcer shuffle has Matthews working every inning of every game on TV. I like him, but he's going to overexpose himself very quickly at that rate. Three weeks into his first season here, he's already retelling the same stories and reoffering the same insights.

Why, with the pitcher on deck, did Jamie Moyer pitch to Washington's Brian Schneider with two outs in the sixth inning of a game the Phils trailed, 2-1? (Schneider singled in a run.)

1. Moyer had a senior moment.

2. Charlie Manuel was busy contemplating his grammar homework.

3. Both thought Dan Baker had announced "Thornton Wilder" as the next hitter.

Whom should the Eagles draft?

Either an accountant or a PR person. An accountant if the double-payment to Brian Westbrook was an honest mistake. A PR person if it turns out to have been an underhanded way of paying the prized running back a bonus.

If a tree fell in the woods and no one heard it, does that mean the NHL playoffs have begun?

It's astounding to consider how low the once-proud NHL has sunk. I don't have a good explanation for it, either, other than too many goons, too many games, and too many helmets.

NASCAR note of the week. Angry about ill-timed caution flags, Tony Stewart, arguably NASCAR's top driver and inarguably its biggest knucklehead, compared his sport's integrity to pro wrestling's.

Remember, that was Tony Stewart, not me.

What a change-up. Los Angeles Times sportswriter Mike Penner revealed in a column this week that he is a transsexual and soon will be changing his gender and identity. Beginning in two weeks, his reports will come beneath a new byline, Christine Daniels.

God bless, Christine.

One suspects his/her dramatic change will not go unnoted among the open-minded individuals who populate the enlightened locker rooms in the progressive world of sports.

More revelations. Speaking of sportswriter confessions, here's how William J. Ryczek describes my great-grandfather, John Radcliff, in Blackguards and Red Stockings, his history of the National Association, America's first professional baseball league.

Great-grandpa apparently was "dishonest," "unreliable," "illiterate," "far from admirable" and "unrepentant." He was expelled from the league, accused of betting against his own team, charged with falsifying his identity, and blamed for pocketing $500 the Philadelphia A's had given him to clear up some debts.

On the plus side, his nickname was "Handsome Johnny," and he was a heck of a shortstop.