Dear Abby: Lover won't commit to a relationship with married woman

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 45-year-old married woman with four kids. I fell in love with a longtime friend, "Hugh," two years ago. He's single and has never been married.

I told him I want a relationship, but he says that since I'm married we can't have one. We have been spending a lot of time together and have started to get intimate.

I told Hugh I don't want to just fool around - I want a commitment. He worries about my kids, and that if I leave their father they won't understand. My husband is very cold and distant. We don't say much to each other anymore; we're just two adults living in the same house raising our kids. .

I'm angry because Hugh is willing to fool around but not commit. The fact that I'm married bothers him. I told him to wait and eventually my husband and I will divorce. I feel he wanted the intimacy but doesn't want ME, and I feel used. How do I sort this out?

- Used in Massachusetts

DEAR "USED": You weren't used - you threw yourself at Hugh, and what has happened was by mutual consent. Why would you expect a commitment from him when you haven't shown yourself capable of sticking with one? I credit Hugh for his honesty. That you're married SHOULD bother him.

When a man tells you his "heart" isn't in it, trust me, the rest of him isn't far behind. Don't waste your time being hurt. Learn from this. You have unfinished business to attend to. Your marriage is a mess. If it doesn't survive, you owe it to the next man in your life to be available before you start prospecting. n