Carolyn Hax: Is honesty always the best policy?

Ques­tion: I've been seeing my girl­friend for about six months. Last night we were talking about a friend's re­la­tion­ship problems stemming from his re­cent con­fes­sion of in­fi­del­i­ty. My girl­friend said, "Why did he even tell her about it in the first place, if it was just a drunk­en one-night thing?" I muttered some­thing about lying nev­er be­ing good, and she agreed and we changed the sub­ject.

Now I'm thinking more about what she said and wondering if I should be concerned. I'm not es­pe­cial­ly worried about cheat­ing, but I do place high val­ue on trust, open­ness, and hon­es­ty, and I'm worried she doesn't feel en­tire­ly the same way. Are there oth­er signs I should look for to re­as­sure my­self? Or am I overthinking this?

An­swer: I think you're overthinking how this reflects on her in­teg­ri­ty, and un­der-thinking — and un­der-discussing — the nu­ances of "trust, open­ness, and hon­es­ty." It is by no means a slam-dunk that telling the whole truth is al­ways good.

Kant posed the ques­tion of wheth­er you're obliged to tell the truth if a mur­der­er came to your door and asked where your friend is (I hate it when that happens). It's a great start­ing point for the idea that even good, mor­al peo­ple draw lines in the gray when it comes to telling the truth.

The implications when it comes to relationships and cheat­ing sur­face of­ten in this col­umn, and I can't think of an in­stance when peo­ple weren't split rough­ly down the mid­dle be­tween thinking the un­self­ish thing to do is to con­fess a one-time in­fi­del­i­ty (be­cause peo­ple de­serve the truth), and thinking the un­self­ish thing is not to con­fess a one-time in­fi­del­i­ty (be­cause the con­fes­sor feels un­bur­dened at the ex­pense of peace of mind of the con­fess-ee, who ar­gu­ably is no better for knowing).

So, con­sid­er shelving the im­pulse to jump to dire conclusions about your girl­friend, and raising the is­sue again — but not as it relates to her or even your friend. In­stead, bring it up as it relates to life and to the de­cep­tive­ly tough choices presented by a de­ci­sion to take the high road.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, fol­low her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her on­line at noon East­ern time each Fri­day at www.washingtonpost.com.