Sunday, December 21, 2014

Tell Me About It: Apologize to sister-in-law for boundary violation

(iStock)
(iStock)

Question: My brother, sister-in-law, and nephew, 5, live halfway across the country from us. I live near my parents where we grew up. There was some significant upheaval between my parents and my brother's family a couple of years ago, and it was very tense.

The few times a year that SIL and Nephew and sometimes Brother (who cannot always come) visit, they are up and down the state visiting family and friends. The last visit, my parents were away. SIL and Nephew stayed with us for a couple of nights.

Now they are coming again in a few weeks. SIL e-mailed to ask if they could stay with us again, before they visit with her family. Her e-mail made it clear she is not excited about seeing my parents and mentioned (halfheartedly) setting aside one night "so they can see (Nephew/Brother)."

I feel she is putting me in a position of choosing her over my parents. I responded that I would be willing to have them stay with us if she made seeing my parents with my nephew more of a priority. I am heartbroken for my parents (and feel a little used, too). They are good and very loving people, at times argumentative (Dad) or fussy (Mom), but always wonderful grandparents.

I have not heard back from her. Do I just wait? My sister thinks I am right to be loyal to our parents. My husband thinks I should tell SIL that she can stay with us if she lets Nephew stay overnight with my parents without her. Is there anything to be done besides wait?

Answer: You can apologize to SIL for overstepping your boundaries and meddling. No hedging.

And you can stop acting on advice only from those in your camp. You see your parents as "argumentative" and "fussy," and you're their loving child! Imagine how those traits come across to someone they didn't raise - someone who is raising their grandson, no less, which can bring out the fuss and argument in the best of us.

While you're entitled to and surely justified in your heartbreak, it is so not your place to dictate whether SIL brings Nephew to your parents' home, when, how, or for how long. She and your brother visit as they see fit. Period.

By imposing conditions on hosting SIL, you failed to make your parents more appealing to visit and almost certainly damaged one of the connections between SIL and her husband's family that is sort-of working. You interpret it as her using you, but I see it as a bridge between families.

 


tellme@washpost.com

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.

 

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