Latest Zombie outing lacks life

Let's give Rob and Sheri Moon Zombie, the Sonny and Cher of sadomasochistic horror, the benefit of the doubt and assume they set out to make

The Lords of Salem

an instant bad cult film about witches.

That still doesn't excuse how dull it is, how slowly the dull things happen, how the heavy metal rocker-turned-horror director Rob seems to have forgotten how to make even his simplest jolts pay off.

And it doesn't explain how Sheri could have made as many of these movies with her husband and not learned a thing about acting. Sleeping nude in the opening scene, yes. She's got that down.

But from the moment her character, Heidi the recovering addict and late-night radio DJ, stands in front of a neon cross, holding her hands out with maybe the dumbest expression I've ever seen on a leading lady's face, it's no wonder nobody but Rob puts her in his movies.

A tale of a curse dating back to a not-really-vanquished coven of witches from the 17th century, The Lords of Salem sets that curse in motion by having an oddly atonal dirge LP, boxed in a weathered wooden case, dropped off at the radio station.

The script is dreadful. Take the late-night radio show's three jokers. Zombie can't think of a single funny thing for them to say, just dated references to Francis the Talking Mule and assorted un-amusing blasphemies.

Every ritual involves a lot of ugly nudity, and a lot of the more grotesque nudity is augmented by body suits. Jokes about "the devil's music" might seem funny to the former leader of White Zombie. But seriously, Rob - if you can't write a better incantation than "You are the dragon, Lord Satan!" maybe it's time to go back to Halloween remakes.

Written and directed by Rob Zombie. With Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davison, Meg Foster, Maria Conchita Alonso, and Sid Haig.

Running time: 1 hours, 50 mins.

Parent's guide: R (disturbing violent and sexual content, graphic nudity, language, and some drug use)

Playing at: Area theatersEndText