Guilt trip to dollar store? Awesome

EVERYONE HAS guilty pleasures.

I have three: chocolate/peanut butter ice cream, reading Christine Flowers on Fridays and shopping at the dollar store.

The first guilty pleasure is fattening, the second is incendiary, the third is awesome.

Awesome? Dollar store? (Did I actually use awesome? Am I 25 again?)

Before I proceed: How much would you have to steal from a dollar store before it would be a crime?

This is why the dollar store is a pleasure - prices lower than a rat terrier with fallen arches. Why "guilty"? Because people like you and me don't shop there. It's for the low class, the below-Lowe class, right?

Tell that to the Common Pleas judge I saw there one afternoon, or the state rep, or the slightly known Philadelphia model. Only the last pulled down her hat when I spotted her. The first two didn't. (They weren't wearing hats.) The state rep greeted me with the cheerfulness of a whorehouse piano player.

How many stores can you go in with a $10 bill and exit with a filled shopping bag and folding money as change? And not everything in there is from China, although there is more from China than you find in the Beijing H&M. But that's another matter.

I used to be friends with a guy, let's call him "Tony," a white-haired, pot-bellied wholesaler who sold to local dollar stores. His warehouse was in New Jersey and it was huge. The warehouse, not New Jersey, which is small and small-minded. But that's another matter. (Enjoy practicing there, Sixers!)

Before Christmas each year, Tony used to invite some friends over to "shop the warehouse."

Some of you are thinking, "Cheap bums. Shopping the dollar store warehouse for Christmas." That's judgmental and probably correct but better than Walgreens where you probably shop. But that's another matter.

Tony's warehouse was the Rocky Mountains of schlock, um, I mean stock. Thousands of items.

Maybe we weren't shopping for our closest friends and relatives, but for dozens of casual acquaintances in our lives, such as co-workers, letter carriers, parole officers, counter men at the deli who cut you a slice without fat. You get the idea.

Here's the thing: If the dollar store sells it to you for a dollar, how much did it pay Tony? Maybe half a buck. Now guess what Tony paid for it, often from the overstocked manufacturer? All I'll say is Tony has a huge boat downashore and a Florida mansion.

So now I am in the florescent-lit dollar store of my choice. I like cruising different ones to see how the schlock, um, stock varies from my favorite.

In my favorite store, I know the layout - kitchenware in the left aisle, school supplies and kids stuff in the right aisle and food in the middle.

Don't buy the food - especially the pet food! Some comes from China and you know about China's rigorous health standards. Other stuff I suspect was pulled off other shelves after a recall. I avoid anything best fresh, like donuts or bread. I'm even suspicious of the bottled soft drinks, many labelled in a foreign language. Not to be nationalistic, but if it didn't make the grade in Ecuador, I'm not drinking it here.

There are always the dollar store staples - artificial flowers, candles, beauty products, picture frames, bathroom/kitchen supplies - but also seasonal specials and the once-in-a-while bargains of brand-name merchandise.

Such as a star-shaped heavy glass candy dish. Made by Libby in the USA. I didn't even need it, but I bought it anyway.

Someone got it for Christmas.

Awesome.

Phone: 215-854-5977

On Twitter: @StuBykofsky

Blog: ph.ly/Byko

Columns: ph.ly/StuBykofsky