President Obama owned by soccer-playing Japanese robot

- Hey, sorry guys, even Secret Service Agents need to use the bathroom. So what's the president doing no--OH MY GOD MR. PRESIDENT LOOK OUT A CYBORG ASSASSIN FROM THE FUTURE.

**unloads weapon into extremely friendly Japanese robot**

- The quirky minor league baseball uniform trope isn't worth pointing out much anymore, but every time I think that, like just now, some team like the Inland Empire 66ers goes and has a Zombie Apocalypse night.

- Michael Pineda will be suspended 10 games, or two starts, for having pine tar brazenly displayed on his neck. Fortunately for him, there are alternatives available.

- Jabari Parker enjoys being compared to Carmelo Anthony, and takes it a step further by laying a sick burn on the Knicks.

- You won't believe how detailed the Buffalo Bills' cheerleader handbook is. You think you will, but you'll click this, and you won't.

- The Astros' Paul Clemens tried to his the A's Jed Lowrie with a pitch again last night and got him in the butt, to make right a wrong the Astros felt Lowrie committed six days ago by bunting with a seven-run lead. Clemens was ejected and Lowrie scored when Josh Donaldson hit a home run.

Yeah, take that, Athletics!

Baseball is silly.

- Never sillier than when a position player is pitching and an umpire is drunk I guess?

[@SBNationGIF]

- The 49ers' Aldon Smith won't face felony charges for making a bomb threat in an airport. So.

- Oh my gosh I almost forgot.

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