Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Inquirer Daily News

Lincecum uncovers conspiracy

Lincecum uncovers conspiracy

Apparently, Tim Lincecum has been pointing to the same conspiracy for years while playing at the Rockies’ Coors Field.

According to the Giants’ "ace," the Rockies will occasionally rotate in “untreated” baseballs during their at-bats, because due to some kind of science, they are more apt to travel further.  Giants broadcaster Jon Miller was apparently all over this a few years ago.

But now the Giants will have to generate another file folder full of subliminal messages and frayed notebook pages to explain the mound at Coors Field, which last night had Lincecum do one of these.

Which of course, as we know, he is fully capable of pulling off without the aid of a conspiracy.

BREAKING NEWS

There is a new world record in back flips on a pogo stick.

Just thought you should know.

EVOLUTION: OUR HIDDEN ENEMY

Bud Selig and the Baseball Should Always be the Same  Committee, in association with the Human Element Initiative, have worked for years to keep modern amenities’ filthy fingerprints off baseball’s flawless record.

Sure, there have been countless instances in this fledgling season alone that seem to indicate a need for change in the game. But without Selig there to shrug and fall asleep, these changes would actually be instilled into baseball.

All of this, tragically, seems about to shift, as Selig has suddenly admitted to catching up with everyone else. MLB is said to be instituting expanded video replay starting in 2014, as according to Selig,

My opinion has evolved.

Thus begins a dark age for the sport, in which umpires are no longer able to get a call wrong, see that the call they made was wrong, and inexplicably make the same wrong call again, the way the game was intended.

IT'S LIKE YOU PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND

It’s coming down to the wire for Wayne Simmonds in the NHL ’14 Cover Vote. After dispatching of teammate Jakob Voracek and the Penguins’ Evgeni Malken, Wayne has to take down the Islanders’ John Tavares before he… he…

Oh god.

Well, the voting has closed and now we have to until noon to see if all of our hard work/distracted clicking has paid off.  So I hope you got in there when you could because now it’s all in fate’s hands. I know I did my part to bring a small morsel of joy to this horrible Flyers season, but if the rest of you aren’t even going to try then I don’t know what to tell you.

This is a serious thing.

It matters.

**sobbing**

DON... GONE?

It doesn’t make much for people to start screaming for Charlie Manuel’s head.

A dramatic walk off featuring back-to-back home runs from the unlikeliest of heroes dams the tide for a bit, but sooner rather than later, the people will turn on him.

It’s a scenario we can watch play out in Los Angeles, where the situation is somehow even more dire. After 10-0 losses in the rain, against Bronson Arroyo, the Phillies can seem much worse than only two games under .500 and 4.5 out of first place.

But the $200 million+ Dodgers actually are flailing, and their manager Don Mattingly is taking it on the nose. Thus, we have the first in a long line of predictions to be filed on his inevitable termination, starting with the incomparable Ken Rosenthal.

And you can bank on Rosenthal’s opinion, as it is based on a “gut feeling.”

That another person had.

Justin Klugh Sports Producer
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Pattison Ave. offers an eclectic mix of news and nuggets about Philadelphia sports and beyond. Live chats, analysis, random thoughts, viral videos, odds and ends -- you'll find it all here.

Jonathan Tannenwald Sports Producer
Brian McCardle Sports Producer
Justin Klugh Sports Producer
Jerry Gaul Sports Producer
Vaughn Johnson Sports Producer
Michael Kaskey-Blomain Assistant Sports Producer
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