Jon Lester uses weird splotch on glove to become history's greatest villain

UPDATE: And the cover up begins...

Jon Lester beat the Cardinals last night; he beat them hard, and he beat them good. His offense backed him up whole-heartedly, giving the Red Sox an 8-1 win and a 1-0 series lead. They have all the momentum.

The Cardinals didn't help themselves with things like this.

My goodness, that all looked very terrible. But little did the Cadinals know, as they let pop-ups drop and the ball slipped out of their gloves, that this was all part of a horrifying, calculated plan by Jon Lester, who held the key to the game in the palm of his glove.

That's right. That green goo on the inside of Lester's glove is the ooze that's gonna win this World Series. Lester touched it with his fingers, and used it to single-fingeredly erase the St. Louis Cardinals. You see, the substance most likely gave him a better grip on the ball, allowing for better control. It also probably coated the ball in some sort of greasiness, preventing Pete Kozma from being able to catch it. And it certainly emitted an invisible toxin disorienting enough to scramble both Adam Wainwright AND Yadier Molina mentally.

On top of that, the congealed green splotch gave David Ortiz even more power somehow, allowing him to hit a two-run home run late in the game, and almost giving him a grand slam that was prevented only by the heroism of Carlos Beltran, the Protector of the Cardinal Way.

Even some Cardinals minor leaguer named Tyler Melling, the definitive source on this topic, alleged that Lester had been up to something.

Which he must have been, as the Cardinals lost their Cardinals Way last night. And it remains no surprise that the Red Sox had to cheat to get them to veer away from it. No matter how many points you make to point out this is all very stupid.