Daddy bans Breast Milk Baby Doll

So, because life isn’t confounding enough, now comes the Breast Milk Baby doll, made by a toy manufacturer from Spain, over there in Europe, from whence high falutin’ ideas about how to live have originated for multiple millennia. (

The doll is meant to teach little girls how to breast feed, at $89 or so per unit.

Breast Milk Baby doll comes with a halter top that a girl puts on over her clothes like a vest. When a girl brings the Breast Milk Baby doll’s mouth to certain positions on the vest, embedded sensors cause the baby to make suckling sounds.

The company, Berjuan Toys, assures us all that it’s educational and appropriate. In fact, they modestly explain on their website that “God supports it,” and they provide an image of a painting of Madonna and Child to prove His divine endorsement. So there you go.

Berjuan, which describes itself as a Christian company, cites scientific studies saying that breastfeeding is healthful for mom and baby.

Fine and dandy.

So, will I be buying Breast Milk Baby for my daughter any time soon? Bet heavily against that.

I know that I’m an uptight American. I know that – at some point – it makes sense that a woman should know how to breast feed. I know that I wouldn’t think twice about a doll that a kid can feed with a bottle. And, because Bill O’Reilly is against this toy, I so want to be for it.

But I can’t go there, or, in fact, anywhere near this.

Why? Maybe it’s because I grew up in the paradoxical American culture that is both prudish and sexual at the same time, thus making me (and millions of others) a walking-around mess.

Maybe it’s because I think that girls still so into dolls couldn’t be ready for the accelerated growing required for them to understand Breast Milk Baby.

Whatever. In my house, Breast Milk Baby will never have a spot on my daughter’s bed, among the penguin Pillow Pet, the beloved Zekey the zebra, and other members of the sweet, wide-eyed menagerie.

Let the innocence remain, just a little bit longer.