Link copied to clipboard
Borat For A Day
Yes, it's humiliating. We were asked to send in a list of questions for Borat to answer, and Borat blew us off.
Technically, he kept missing his deadline, says Inquirer film critic Carrie Rickey, who prepared straight-man prompts for the fictional Kazakhstani journalist played by Sacha Baron Cohen to answer in time for last Friday's opening of his mockumentary Borat!: The Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.
Cohen was not doing interviews. He was only answering e-mails as Borat.
But Borat turned out to be over-booked. Something about having to do Conan O'Brien, his flak explained.
So, I thought, maybe, since you guys are pretty clever, why don't you answer them????? Some or all. As Borat, of course. You probably don't even have to have seen the movie to be good at it.
The writer of the funniest answers - Carrie will be the judge - wins a three-year-old female yak, budget cuts permitting. (My wife just read that. "There is no yak," she said, skeptically.) Here goes:
Q:We read that Kyrgystan, the country bordering yours, is the Switzerland of Central Asia. Is Kazakhstan Malibu on the Caspian? A: Yes. We even have popular drink, Kazakhstan Bay Breeze made with coconut rum and fermented horse urine. Q:You have many nomads in Kazakhstan. Do they need real estate brokers? A: No, we have great free service there called Amanzhol's List. Q:How is television news in your nation different from that in the United States? A: It not in color. Q:How do you get chickens in suitcase past the TSA inspectors? A: We make sure to check their liquid eye-liner. Q:Youve traveled across the United States. Which state is most like the Republic of Kazakhstan? Why? A: Pennsylvania. We too have no football teams. Q:In your documentary you say that your countrys major problems are "economic, social and the Jew." What are the United States major problems? A: Asking me might be one of them. Q:Would Mel Gibsons cultural views about Jews would make him a viable political candidate in Kazazhstan? Could he beat Nursultan Nazarbayev? Could Arnold Schwarzenegger? Pamela Anderson? A: I saw Mel. After couple drinks I think Mel would beat anyone. Q:For a Kazakhstani, what are Pamela Andersons greatest assets? A: She not yet have Hepatitas D through H. Q:Is it true that your nations most popular television show is "Kazakhstans Next Top Prostitute"? What is second-most popular show? A: Yes, it followed close by hit reality show "Survivor: Dysentery". Q:In your nation you drive a horse-drawn automobile. Who is the manufacturer and what is the model name? A: It 2007 Pontiac, with sport package. Q:In your documentary we see you washing your laundry in Central Park lake. Is cleaner than Caspian? A: I not sure. But the rash I got was great souvenir. I have now for months. Q:Does Kazakhstani humor travel to America? Does American humor travel to Kazakhstan? A: Not so much our humor, but we all laugh at America. Q:What is your favorite kind of sexy time? A: Discounted. Q:What hair products do you use? A: No products. Our national government is still working on replicating your cutting edge "comb" technology. Q:Whats on your iPod? A: Moby. Q:Whats are the main differences between American and Kazakhistani plumbing? A: Your water runs 'hot' and 'cold' while ours is 'regular' and 'chunky'. Q:Is true that you are in a program for addiction? A: Yes. For many years now, but I can quit any time I want. Q:Do you support Americas war in Iraq? A: Yes, the Iraq pay us well to hold chemicals for them while you there. Q:Caviar or fishsticks? Why? A: Both. In my country we have saying to say no to food is like punching a mother goat. I don't think that translated well.
Very Niiice!
So not wanting to takeit up too much DanSpace I did my own. Here is tease, likeit me: Q. How do you get chickens in suitcase past the TSA inspectors? A. We puts them in clear plastic bags. Here is Borat's interview: Borat Q & A
We read that Kyrgystan, the country bordering yours, is the Switzerland of Central Asia. Is Kazakhstan Malibu on the Caspian? Yes, but more important Uzbekistan is like your Alabama, a land of toothless inbreds. You have many nomads in Kazakhstan. Do they need real estate brokers? No, they break thier estates after head of family die with horseback sword fight. How is television news in your nation different from that in the United States? You have many channels and woman not afraid to show vagin for free How do you get chickens in suitcase past the TSA inspectors? It is ancient Kzakhi secret, I bribe government officals. Youve traveled across the United States. Which state is most like the Republic of Kazakhstan? Why? Georgia, is remind me of home, people very friendly in make friends and shithole outdoors. In your documentary you say that your countrys major problems are "economic, social and the Jew." What are the United States major problems? From travels, I learn you control Jew good, but everything cost much, I could not get plow for less than $250. Also your peoples need control woman, big ideas but small brains. Would Mel Gibsons cultural views about Jews would make him a viable political candidate in Kazazhstan? Could he beat Nursultan Nazarbayev? Could Arnold Schwarzenegger? Pamela Anderson? This Mel Gibson is famous man in Kazakhstan, he remind me of potassium, strong, best in world. But he could not beat Pamela, she can beat anyone, especially my pants fish. For a Kazakhstani, what are Pamela Andersons greatest assets? Her tight virgin vagin. Is it true that your nations most popular television show is "Kazakhstans Next Top Prostitute"? What is second-most popular show? Miami Vice. In your nation you drive a horse-drawn automobile. Who is the manufacturer and what is the model name? It has two, horse is from uncle Valisi's farm, I saw when he made it, that horse had vagin like a wizard sleeve. Car is from Miyokan Gurgovec Automotive Bureau. In your documentary we see you washing your laundry in Central Park lake. Is cleaner than Caspian? All water is clean, until Jew and Uzbek bastards who poison it. Does Kazakhstani humor travel to America? Does American humor travel to Kazakhstan? I dont think so... NOT!!! What is your favorite kind of sexy time? Whenever Azamov let me plow daughter What hair products do you use? Is made of bee wax, olive oil and horse semen, we call "love butter." Whats on your iPod? Kazakhi national anthem, Sergei Dugashvili, and Ludacris, BoiEEE! Whats are the main differences between American and Kazakhistani plumbing? I like how USnA have two place for wash and shithole; in Kazakhstan we use same. Is true that you are in a program for addiction? Is not true, I only have hand party once an hour. Do you support Americas war in Iraq? Yes, I love your Bush, I want your Bush man times. Caviar or fishsticks? Why? I do not want none, in Kazakhstan only women eat fish.
We read that Kyrgystan, the country bordering yours, is the Switzerland of Central Asia. Is Kazakhstan Malibu on the Caspian? I like very much my country. It very much like Malibu. We do not have beach like Malibu, but we do have lake filled with fermented horse urine. Very Nice! You have many nomads in Kazakhstan. Do they need real estate brokers? Ehhh, we do not have real estate brokers in my country. We had to stop them because many times Jew would disguise himself as broker and cause very much trouble. How is television news in your nation different from that in the United States? In my country, We have one-man news team. He is animal actor named "Jumak". He is a monkey. He report all government news such as latest prostitute rankings and horse throat prices. How do you get chickens in suitcase past the TSA inspectors? I do not bring live chicken, I bring egg. Egg hatch in suitcase during three month trip to US and A. Very Nice! Youve traveled across the United States. Which state is most like the Republic of Kazakhstan? Why? I would have to say the state of Philadelphia most like my country. The people, they is very happy when things go bad and lives are ruined. In your documentary you say that your countrys major problems are "economic, social and the Jew." What are the United States major problems? In the US and A, there are many problems. First, of course, is the Jew. They are very, very good at hiding their horns and drawing us into their traps. You must defend yourself from them with very many monies and large animal. But also very big problem is the woman. In the US and A, they give a woman vote. This is crazy. In my country we say that, "To give a woman vote, is like to let a monkey fly a plane!" We stopped letting monkeys fly planes after aircrash in 2002. Would Mel Gibsons cultural views about Jews would make him a viable political candidate in Kazazhstan? Could he beat Nursultan Nazarbayev? Could Arnold Schwarzenegger? Pamela Anderson? For a Kazakhstani, what are Pamela Andersons greatest assets? We in my country support anti-Jew warrior Melvin Gibson. He say that the Jew start all the wars. We have also proof from our government scientist that it was the Jew who brought an end to the Dinosaur Age. In my country, we do not vote for Premier. Premier elected by how long he can suspend a car battery from his "chram". If great Melvin Gibson can beat national record of 3.4 seconds, he will win Premier. I do not know of this Arnald Schvattttzinugget, but I recommend an hamburger when you go to your fancy restaurant McDonald. Very Nice! Pamela Andersens, she has very strong arms for make good at using plow. Good wife must be very good at plow in my country. Is it true that your nations most popular television show is "Kazakhstans Next Top Prostitute"? What is second-most popular show? No, in my country it is illegal to have television show featuring woman. But we do have excellent live show "Gypsy Killer 3000!". Very Nice! Number two show is "Gypsy Killer 2000!" In your nation you drive a horse-drawn automobile. Who is the manufacturer and what is the model name? Ehh, we have a Ford Model-S. It is very new and top-of-line. We are hearing rumors, however about new Model-T. Apparently, it does not even need horse! In your documentary we see you washing your laundry in Central Park lake. Is cleaner than Caspian? Central Park lake is very clean. In Caspian sea, it have blood of intelligent woman and drainage from national sewage system. Does Kazakhstani humor travel to America? Does American humor travel to Kazakhstan? We do not have humor in Kazakhstan. We used to, but then the Jew steal it. What is your favorite kind of sexy time? My favorite sexy time is called the "dog" position. It is where I stand up and dog stand in front of me. What hair products do you use? In US and A, they have toilet. Water in toilet is perfect make good hair. Also, they a have wonderful hair gel in little red packets at McDonald. Whats on your iPod? There is great artist from US and A...Huey Lewis! He is very good. I would like to wrestle him with no clothes. Whats are the main differences between American and Kazakhistani plumbing? In my country, we do not have tiolet. We have prostitute. She follow me all day, and when necessary, she clean up with her hands and face. US and A has tiolet. It very convenient because after I make %#%#, there is bowl of water to wash face and fix hair with. Very Nice! Is true that you are in a program for addiction? I am not in program. In my country, we do not believe in addiction. We support those who abuse things, especially if they are woman and Jew. Do you support Americas war in Iraq? Yez, we support Premier George Walter Bush, and his father Barbara. We like very much Barbara. He is tough guy. We also hope that Premier Bush he drink blood and eat brains of all woman and children in that awful country. Caviar or fishsticks? Why? We do not eat caviar because it come from woman-fish. Very bad!
How do you get chickens in suitcase past the TSA inspectors? The same way we let South Americans over the border: we elect Democrats who look the other way.
Do you support Americas war in Iraq? Your leader Bush, he is macho man. He play chess with all types of people he do not know. He is hero here in my country since that be much more fun than making war game with retired prostitute like us. We use many albino drag queen from India for one side and my hairy alcoholic brother-in-law for other. He is sexy like homeless donkey.