Michael Johns get booted from 'Idol'

OK, what's my excuse? Excuse 1: I was just checking to see if the VCR was recording

for my wife, who was off at book group. Excuse 2: I was too busy making and pigging out on a Boboli with taco leftovers to change the channel. Excuse 3: OK, I'm an idiot who, apparently like millions of Americans who watch quiz shows and sports, is a sucker for even the tiniest bit of suspense.

It's one thing to watch when there's actual performing. It's another to watch an hour of "results."

You'll find out who got booted right after this break. Wait. I already told you in the headline.

Anyway, "your bottom three," as bland-on-bland Ryan Seacrest likes to say,  were Syesha "Smile!" Mercado, Carly "I Just Might Get Mascara Tattoos" Smithson, and Michael "Dream On" Johns.

Cue the judges. Randy? Blahbityblahmixedbag.  Or something like that. Paula? Littleofthis, littleofthat, com ci, com ca, just come see me. Simon Cowell? Well, lookie, here! America, listened to me, didn't they?

Yes, you did you dopes. (This is where I drop into my Philly sports fan mode and trash all sweetness and light in the world.) First of all, Brooke White is always off-key and Kristi Lee Cook is playing you guys for suckers with that God and Country shtick and Jason Castro's twerpy "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on a ukele was like something out of Tiny Tim. (He was that prehistoric hawk-nosed "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" creature, er, singer, who married Miss Vicky from Haddonfield on the

when Johnny Carson was the host, for those young enough to have had their baby formula microwaved.)

Anyway, any one of those three should have been in the bottom three instead of Johns, who can sing and sometimes brought much-needed intensity to this season's namby-pamby lineup. (Wait ... I was supposed to save

for Seacrest.)

And, then, shocker! Syesha and Carly, you are safe! Michael, you're outta here!

Paula mumbles something like: Michael, you know I love you! You're a star! Don't go! Come back to my dressing room right after the show!

Or maybe I'm over-interpreting what her batting eyelashes meant to say.

Cowell opines in his nasally way, that Michael, you know

was right,

picked the wrong song.

Baloney. With no embarrassment, Johns looks back and clearly disagrees, defends "Dream On" and then has to sing it.

So why did Johns get the boot?

Theory One: America agreed with Simon. Sad, if true.

Theory Two: America doesn't like people with accents. Hmmm ... Carly's Irish. Could be.

Theory Three: If you're going to vote for a rock guy, well, David Cook's much better, which he is, so there go all sorts of votes for Johns.

Theory Four: Johns sang first, which a problem in a nation with a short attention span. So (a) people tuning in late didn't hear him (b) people tuning in early forgot about him by the end, and (c) during the recap, fans might go, "Yeah, I'm voting for him," but then someone else comes up and Johns becomes an afterthought.

Theory Five: Only teenyboppers girls and grandmas vote, and they don't love rock. Seriously. Uh, Taylor "Hayseed" Hicks beat Chris "Platinum" Daughtry, am I right?

Theory Six: Johns has fewer friends and relatives with speed dialers.

Theory Seven: All of the above.

Which brings me back to the beginning. What's my excuse?

Especially since while catching Fergie tear up the stage during "Idol Gives Back" the night before -- I swear I saw it by accident! My wife had it on! -- I thought, "Whoa, now there's an act! Way more magic than these contestants have!"

Seriously. If there was a show called

(still hosted by Seacrest, of course), wouldn't Brooke, David Archuletta and Jason be hugging (not slugging) it out for first?

By the way:

» READ MORE: "Idol Gives Back" raised $22 million.