Speaking in twisted tongues

I am a punster par excellence.  I can't resist dropping bon mots, and mixing metaphors.  If I were David Akers (who will be sorely missed,) you'd say I love to puntificate.

And all of my puns are intended.

Which is why I got a huge kick (that reference to Akers was an accident, actually) out of the following list of winning neologisms from the annual Washington Post contest.  Technically they're not puns, but need we quibble?

Contest participants were asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did...especially the first one, given my java addiction:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


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