As cancer advances, "I'm not ready to give up"

I was diagnosed in late October of 2014 with advanced metastatic prostate cancer that had spread to bone and innumerable pelvic lymph glands. I'd waited too long to be treated, using those silly over-the-counter remedies for BPH (benign prostatic hyperplasia). So, by the time my cancer was diagnosed, it was too late, and my urologist called it treatable, but incurable.

My initial PSA was 744--extremely high, and Gleason 8, which means an aggressive form of cancer. Of course I was devastated, and didn't have anyone to really talk to about it---no wife, partner, or significant other, or immediate family. I already suffered from major depression, and added to the hormone therapy that my doctor started immediately, it really caused some very dark moods and despair.

About six months into hormone treatment, I went to an oncologist, who just monitored me, as the hormone therapy was successfully shrinking prostate and lymph glands. I did a lot of research online and found a couple of support sites to help give me information and some degree of emotional support, but nothing like a family or close friends. I do have a very few close friends who have very generously helped me with emotional support, and more, but they have lives of their own, and don't have much time to spend with me.

Weekends are particularly lonely; my paid caregiver is off, and friends have things to do, so I'm alone much of the time. Coping is difficult, but at least I have music to listen to, and I also play piano, which demands complete concentration and allows me to escape thinking about the cancer for short periods.

My cancer center offers counseling with a psychologist who specialized in oncological psychology, and he's been so very helpful to me, helping me to make final arrangements, a DNR order, living will and other advanced directives. I don't expect to die soon, nothing vital is really threatened as yet, but it's only sensible to have these things in place.

My faith in God is not perhaps as strong as it could be, but faith can help many of us get through some of the worst times. I even had to decide to get a bilateral orchiectomy, the most difficult decision of my adult life.

It's something I can't escape, being trapped in a slowly disintegrating body, with drugs that I don't like taking to cope with the bodily functions that don't work normally anymore. Endless round of drugs, of medical appointments, tests, scans, needles, and also now my second round of radiation treatments. I have a lot of fatigue now.

The hormonal disturbances, combined with being depressed over the illness, fatigue, and stress cause depressive episodes, and it becomes increasingly difficult to climb back up from the dark pits of despair, but somehow I manage to find the strength and courage to go on, helped by the love and encouragement of my few friends. I hate myself when I fall into self-pity, and cannot bring myself to talk about it to friends---they admire my courage and fortitude, but I falter at times, and I'm not made of stone.

While things do not look very bright, I am not without hope because of some of the new treatments coming out now, especially the immunotherapies.

Charles "Eric" Winter lives in Chicago, Illinois. He plays classical piano and collects clocks and timepieces. This guest column appears on "Diagnosis: Cancer" through our partnership with Inspire, an Arlington, Va., company with condition-specific online support communities for over 750,000 patients and caregivers.

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