During college search, go easy on the frenzy

I can sense their pain. The leaves aren't yet off the trees, and parents of high school seniors already are feeling the strain of college admissions. It isn't just that their kid's essays aren't done, or that early-admission deadlines loom. Rather, the pain is because other parents are circling about.

I've been there twice as the mom of a high school senior, and I know well the uncomfortable questions and subtle one-upmanship that come with the territory.

"How did your son do on the SATs?" asked friends and near strangers without hesitating.

I got good at answering the SAT question with a vague phrase, delivered with enough sincerity that it seemed like I was sharing a secret. "He's in the zone," I would say. Surprisingly, no one ever asked what "in the zone" meant. It could mean 1,050 or a blessed 1,500 out of 1,600 SAT points. No matter; the zone comment worked. No one ever pressed for specifics.

Another question I repeatedly encountered was this: "Where is your son applying?"

I quickly learned that naming schools was an invitation to unwanted commentary, so I mastered the art of revealing nothing while still sounding responsive. "Oh, the usual lineup - big schools, small schools," I would reply. Once again, my inquisitors backed off. "Oh, that's good," they said.

You have to wonder why, when college application season rolls around, parents take such an interest in other people's kids, or why unprompted they reveal personal information about their own children. We know it's impolite to ask people how much money they make, but somehow feel free to pry about the educational potential of their kids. Does it give parents satisfaction to know their child scored higher than someone else's on the SAT? Or are they seeking solace in the fact that their kid isn't the only one not headed to a "top-tier" school?

About eight years ago when a girl in my community was accepted to the Ivy League, her parents painted the name of the university in big letters on their driveway. I was taken aback that they would so publicly proclaim their daughter's achievement, even if it was meant to surprise her with the good news. I am more struck, however, that after all these years, the parents haven't paved over their daughter's pedigree.

We parents should all take a pledge to keep quiet, or at least be sensitive, among ourselves on the subject of college applications. After all, we all want good things for our kids.

My mother played in the same bridge club for more than 40 years, and her Wednesday-night group had only one standing rule: No talking about your children. Smoking was allowed during card games, but it wasn't acceptable to spoil a lovely evening out by bragging, or complaining, about their kids. The rule loosened a bit when grandkids started to arrive, but my mom and her bridge partners wisely recognized that their friendship was too precious to be threatened by even a hint of a parenting competition.

I would be lying to say I won't be anxious this time next year when my youngest son heads toward the finish of his college search. I hear that the process is even crazier now than it was for my older two, and I know that it's hard not to get caught up in the frenzy. But I will try to focus on the reality that there is a college out there for everyone, but that the perfect fit doesn't exist. All kids can be "in the zone." They just need to find one that's right for them.