Putting a feel-good spin on greenhouse gas

Steve Young

is an author and TV writer

WASHINGTON - Seeking to play down the effects of global warming, in October 2007 Vice President Dick Cheney's office pushed to delete from congressional testimony references about the consequences of climate change on public health, a former senior EPA official claimed Tuesday. . . .

From the Desk of The Vice President of the United States

Date: October, 2007

To: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

From: Darth

Subject: Public health consequences of climate change hoax

I've been going over the 14 - make that

13

pages (note to self: Don't sit so close to shredder) of your testimony and want to address some small considerations prior to your appearance before the committee.

These references to "apocalyptic disaster" seem a trifle overdramatic, especially in an election year. Who knows just how apocalyptic any disaster will be? It's pretty subjective, and we don't want the terrorists to think they've won. Let's err on the side of American optimism and replace the phrase

apocalyptic disaster

with, let's say,

happy days

. Example:

Continued environmental degradation will lead to apocalyptic disaster.

Should be

Continued environmental degradation will lead to happy days.

When you read it aloud, it wouldn't hurt to give a Fonzie-like "Ay-y-y." (Note to self: See if Henry Winkler is still alive and bring him in for a photo-op with gang down at the CDC.)

This whole "respiratory traumas" scenario seems a little cart-before-the-horse. After all, we're not doctors. Well, OK . . . some of you

are

. . . but it's not like you've examined

every single

person out there. What seems like shortness of breath and a severe, wheezing cough to one person sounds like intimate love-noises to another. Is that a bad thing?

In fact, just to be on the safe side, why don't we just cut the whole section titled "Diseases Due to Environmental Devastation," and replace it with pictures of baby seals, polar bears and a bunch of snazzy nature scenes? Remind whiners that each of those pictures is worth a thousand words. If your CDC bosses want the original number of pages, tell them to use larger fonts.

A few more thoughts . . .

Where is the information I requested on the health benefits of carbon dioxide? Greenhouse gases are part of the atmosphere, and the atmosphere is what we breathe. I remember that from science class. Please stress that.

Is there any way you can turn this thing into a solid reason to invade Iran?

We've got to change this title! OK, "Greenhouse Catastrophe, White House Failures" is clever and all that, but . . . correct me if I'm wrong (a turn of phrase, not a directive), but if God created the dinosaurs that died and ended up becoming the fossil fuels that lead (supposedly) to what some non-White House scientists say is higher CO2 concentrations, then

If You Hate CO2 You Hate God

. Now there's your title! Find something in the Bible - the New Testament one - that supports this. Use the slogan somewhere near the word

Democrat

.

Note to staff: Figure out a way to get Sean Hannity a doctorate in environmental science in time for the testimony.

Can't we blame Joe Wilson for some of this?

Aren't there great sources of energy to be found in greenhouse gases? If not, there ought to be. (Note to staff: Make it happen, folks. Then buy me a few million shares.)

Phrases to fit in: "We've got pollution on the run"; "Greenhouse gases, if you will, are in their last throes"; "If we don't fight it somewhere else, we'll have to fight it over here."

Print everything in green. People love green. Do we have any color green left in the office?

Note to staff: As always, make sure neither the President nor Press Secretary Dana Perino sees this letter. No see-ee. No lie-ee.

Looking forward to hearing your feedback at next week's hunting retreat. See if we can talk Al Gore or Barbara Boxer into coming.

Best,

Dick

P.S. Note to staff: Whoever borrowed my copy of

Animal Farm

, return it. No questions will be asked.